I hung up the phone with him and immediately knew that he wasn’t what I wanted. Wait! Just wait one minute girl! Give the guy a chance!— I could hear the echoes of my friends in my thoughts. Sigh. What do you want?
He seemed to fit the script of my ideal man—- but something in me rejected him. He was intelligent, his job was to create electrical blueprints for military jets. As if that wasn’t enough, in a very conversational tone, he slipped in a verbal version of his resume. I learned that he started a diversity forum at his engineering firm, went back to school for a 2nd Bachelors in Theology, started a Bible Study at his engineering firm —I should be drooling over him by now— oh wait, he also pioneered a mentoring program at a local High School. Ok, let me get up off my back and pull my skirt down— what girl wouldn’t give themselves over to a guy like this?
I remember telling one of my best friends that I want my husband to be an exceptional individual in his own right— and here this guy was, shining bright like a diamond and something in me rejected that.
I wasn’t rejecting him… Rather, I’ve began to reject the notion of my ‘exceptional resume’ of a husband. I don’t care about his wall of recognition—- I want him, the very essence of who he is. Behind the career, community involvement, college degrees, bible studies, sermons, work out body—ok, I’ll take the workout body—lol— no seriously, behind all of that stuff… I want him.
I want to be with the guy who finds a safe haven in me. After he has gone to battle with the world, I want to be the place where his armor comes off…. I want him to point to his wounds and show me where he hurts. I want him to be human with me….. He is superman to everyone else…. I just want Clark.
I desire the same thing in him…. A place where I can take off my wonder woman cape and just be me. I don’t want to have it all together all the time. I want to be human, irresponsible, lazy, fat, dumb and still be ok. I don’t want to perform for him…. The world is my stage, I need him as part of my backstage crew, helping me return to ‘me.’
I don’t know much about marriage outside of articles, podcasts and Youtube videos— oh yeah, and that women should submit — because that’s the Gospel right? I don’t know why I desire this thing that fails 70% of the time. It must be damn hard— even for the saints! So, if this thing called marriage is as much work as people have claimed it to be, then if he and I don’t come with our authentic selves at the very beginning, than we have already failed.
So, self— whether or not that man has two degrees, is in a successful career, is an exceptional community volunteer….does not guarantee whether or not our marriage will work. Duh! I already know that! But I still looked for those things… Because if he was superman and I was wonder woman, than together we could save the world… Right? Wrong.Jesus already did that. I just need to be me and he just needs to be him…..whatever ‘him’ is. My quest for the ideal man has ceased…. I just want an authentic man, and one that will be vulnerable with me after he’s done saving the world.
The Naked Writer
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