I don’t trust God.

“You can have it Lord!” I shouted. Knowing that I wasn’t being completely honest, I corrected myself and shouted, “You can have him Lord!”

I wanted to worship Him. I wanted to remind myself of how awesome He is. A few minutes after singing at the top of my lungs, “for your glory Lord, I will do anything,”— there I was — face down, on my knees… in a puddle of tears.

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NW

Deep down inside, I was angry— Angry that He let me get that far into the relationship, just to take it back. I trusted God. I trusted that He would guard my heart. Why was I back in this puddle of pain again? Why was I going through another heart break? I was almost certain that after my last relationship, I made it very clear to God, that I didn’t want to ever experience such a thing again. I was willing to wait for Him, if it meant sparing myself of another heartache. But here I was…. hurt. “I don’t like you anymore,” he said. In between disbelief and shock, I picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and I tip toed out of his life. He didn’t want me there and nothing I did or said could change his mind. I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry with God.

“WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE TO WATCH ME GET HURT !??!?!” — This couldn’t POSSIBLY be God’s will— why would it hurt so much? Silence. No Answer. “GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?” — Nothing. I was left to gather what was left of my faith and attempt to encourage myself. I really didn’t, and still don’t, know what to feel…. after days of waking up with this sting in my heart, I finally heard Him say,”I will keep in perfect peace him who keeps his eyes fixed on me, because He trusts in me.”(Is.26:3) — ARE YOU KIDDING ME GOD>!!?!?!? That’s what you have for me!

I need you to tell me something about this heartbreak that is sucking the very life out of me. Tell me something about this man, that I so firmly believed I would marry—- tell me something about THAT! — Of course, Nothing. He had spoken and He was done.

As though someone had shut the door in my face, I stood there with my heart in my hands and wept. After all I’ve done for God, this was the best He had for me. I did everything I knew to honor Him in that relationship. We prayed twice a day, we invited His presence every time we got together… we weren’t having sex, heck— we didn’t even kiss. “What did I do wrong God?” No answer. I couldn’t believe God was telling me to keep my eyes on Him and He would keep me in perfect peace—- HELLOO!!!! That’s what I did my entire relationship, and this sh*t right here that I’m going through, doesn’t feel like peace.

There it was—- that THING in me that wanted to be in control. I believed that if I did A plus B, it should equal C. Clearly that’s not what happened here…. and yes— my eyes were on God alright, but a part of me still had not completely surrendered. In trust, there is no fear…. In faith,there is no fear. My last heartbreak was so devastating, that I walked in fear disguised as “guarding my heart.” In the back of my mind, I had trusted God before…. and it didn’t work out. So, I took it upon myself to DO all the right things and hoped that somehow this time it would work out… it didn’t.—- And I was reminded why deep down inside I struggled to trust God— it was in this moment that I found myself guilty.

Guilty of waving my fist at God and throwing my tantrum for someone else’s decision. God didn’t hurt me, someone else did… I’m learning not to release my frustrations on the Almighty One, rather..  curling up in His embrace, for it is in this space that He is closest to me… “For the Lord is close to the broken hearted.” (Psalm 34:8)

Here I am….. face down in the puddle of my tearful truth.

Hi, I’m the Naked Writer and I am learning to trust God.

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

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PS. Thanks for journey-ing  through life with me! If you know someone who might enjoy this, share my heart with them and remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch (top right corner)! Oh yeah and comment (top left corner)! You’d be surprised how your comments encourage other readers— because other readers, do read the comments!

See you soon😉

12 Comments Add yours

  1. That’s such a sweet spot in God that place where you figure out that best thing you can do is admit you know nothing and that He knows everything. I love you view on people making the choice to hurt us and not God hurting us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Exactly! Them— not God. 🙂

      Like

  2. Dina says:

    This is great read!!! Full of truth and vulnerability. Sometimes, we tend to blame everything and everyone but the one person who hurts us. This article was a great reminder. Love it!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yyyyeeessss!!! We blame everything and everyone but the one responsible! Exactly! Thank you for journeying with me 😉

      Like

  3. katsiaa says:

    Mmmm… the pain of heartache is something else, but I think God that he is with us through the process. In the end, it always works out for our good. Thanks for being transparent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It always, always, always works out for our good! Thank you for journeying alongside me! Looking forward to the “good” on the other side of this story 😉

      Like

  4. YES!! Thank you Naked Writer! Indeed, trusting God is one of the hardest yet most rewarding facets of our faith!! I think of Job and the loss, heartbreak, and devastation he endured….and how God restored all what he had lost twofold! WOW. Your words are so powerful! I too have been there…lost, confused, and angry…with God. “Why me? Why now? After all I’ve done for you, God? Are you serious?!” The Father gives good gifts! “No discipline is pleasant at the time…” I love how God often smacks me in the face with His truth, sovereignty, and peace, amidst my self-righteousness, to remind me that as the creator of the universe…He’s got this!! He does not need my help…He is perfectly capable to work all things out in His perfect timing. I have only but to trust…and this, is a daily commitment!😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “hardest yet most rewarding facets of our faith” — Uummm Two snaps! Hello! Yes hoonnneeeyyyy!!! It is a DAILY commitment indeed! I’m over here like, “God,didn’t I trust you yesterday?– Why you testing me again?” Hahahaha! Thank you for journeying with me!

      Like

  5. aseekerfinds says:

    Oooo control. Oooo trust. Ooo, Jesus. *finger snaps* *church hollering* *slain in the Spirit*

    Co-sign on your PS – i definitely read the comments!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this facet of your life with us all. I too have been in this place with God, the heart wrenching, sobbing, on your knee’s place. It is never a fun place to be at, but I have learned over time that it is in this place where He teaches us many great thing’s that will grow us in way’s that we never imagined. Keep up the beautiful work!
    T.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “it is in this place where He teaches us many great thing’s” — Yes! Yes! Yes! Boy am I learning that! I still think that as creative as the creator is, there has to be another way— like through pleasure instead of pain! Hahhaa.. But hey, clearly I have no say in how he decides to teach 😉 Thank you for journeying with me!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree! If only we could learn through good experiences just as well as we learn from the bad ones! Imagine what life would be like! Ha!

        Like

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