“You can have it Lord!” I shouted. Knowing that I wasn’t being completely honest, I corrected myself and shouted, “You can have him Lord!”
I wanted to worship Him. I wanted to remind myself of how awesome He is. A few minutes after singing at the top of my lungs, “for your glory Lord, I will do anything,”— there I was — face down, on my knees… in a puddle of tears.
Deep down inside, I was angry— Angry that He let me get that far into the relationship, just to take it back. I trusted God. I trusted that He would guard my heart. Why was I back in this puddle of pain again? Why was I going through another heart break? I was almost certain that after my last relationship, I made it very clear to God, that I didn’t want to ever experience such a thing again. I was willing to wait for Him, if it meant sparing myself of another heartache. But here I was…. hurt. “I don’t like you anymore,” he said. In between disbelief and shock, I picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and I tip toed out of his life. He didn’t want me there and nothing I did or said could change his mind. I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry with God.
“WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE TO WATCH ME GET HURT !??!?!” — This couldn’t POSSIBLY be God’s will— why would it hurt so much? Silence. No Answer. “GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?” — Nothing. I was left to gather what was left of my faith and attempt to encourage myself. I really didn’t, and still don’t, know what to feel…. after days of waking up with this sting in my heart, I finally heard Him say,”I will keep in perfect peace him who keeps his eyes fixed on me, because He trusts in me.”(Is.26:3) — ARE YOU KIDDING ME GOD>!!?!?!? That’s what you have for me!
I need you to tell me something about this heartbreak that is sucking the very life out of me. Tell me something about this man, that I so firmly believed I would marry—- tell me something about THAT! — Of course, Nothing. He had spoken and He was done.
As though someone had shut the door in my face, I stood there with my heart in my hands and wept. After all I’ve done for God, this was the best He had for me. I did everything I knew to honor Him in that relationship. We prayed twice a day, we invited His presence every time we got together… we weren’t having sex, heck— we didn’t even kiss. “What did I do wrong God?” No answer. I couldn’t believe God was telling me to keep my eyes on Him and He would keep me in perfect peace—- HELLOO!!!! That’s what I did my entire relationship, and this sh*t right here that I’m going through, doesn’t feel like peace.
There it was—- that THING in me that wanted to be in control. I believed that if I did A plus B, it should equal C. Clearly that’s not what happened here…. and yes— my eyes were on God alright, but a part of me still had not completely surrendered. In trust, there is no fear…. In faith,there is no fear. My last heartbreak was so devastating, that I walked in fear disguised as “guarding my heart.” In the back of my mind, I had trusted God before…. and it didn’t work out. So, I took it upon myself to DO all the right things and hoped that somehow this time it would work out… it didn’t.—- And I was reminded why deep down inside I struggled to trust God— it was in this moment that I found myself guilty.
Guilty of waving my fist at God and throwing my tantrum for someone else’s decision. God didn’t hurt me, someone else did… I’m learning not to release my frustrations on the Almighty One, rather.. curling up in His embrace, for it is in this space that He is closest to me… “For the Lord is close to the broken hearted.” (Psalm 34:8)
Here I am….. face down in the puddle of my tearful truth.
Hi, I’m the Naked Writer and I am learning to trust God.
The Naked Writer
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