She asked me, “Do you masturbate?”

Did I really just make that my blog title? I sure did. Now let’s get to it Ladies and Gents.

Yes! Go ahead and scroll up enough, so the title of the blog isn’t showing on your screen, so those passing by won’t see what you’re reading about. Ha! It’s so uncomfortable for others to see us reading about this, let alone talking about it out loud. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of the feathers I’ve just ruffled with my attempt to open the can of worms on this silent topic. According to Psychology Today, 95% of men and 85% of women have masturbated over their life time… so, I guess it’s safe to say for every 10 people reading this, 8 of you have had “solo sex” — I’ll make that number 7 and slowly raise my hand on this one. Man, this vulnerability thing is hard! 

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Whew!!! So where do I start? I spent this past weekend in Miami and attended a Ladies Night Out with Dr. Juli Slattery. We talked about sex all night long! According to the host, I was accompanied by almost 700 women. When it was time for Q & A… the host received 490 questions in text messages (we were asked to text in our questions)…. and guess what? More than half of those texts were about masturbation. <insert surprised face emoji here> Oh my! Masturbation? Not the saints! It wasn’t just single women who asked about this, married women did too. Gasp!

If you’re waiting for me to tell you whether or not it’s right or wrong… swipe left… because I don’t have an answer for you… but I will share my journey.

***READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED***

At 2:18pm when the final school bell rang, we would all run to ‘our spot’ under the champion tree on the lawn and give each other the run down of our day. Somewhere in the conversation, it came up that my friend Rita (name changed to protect her privacy) had made a self discovery that she was excited to share with us. Using a very common household object, she had learned to masturbate. She explained to us what to do, and urged us to go home and try it. So I did. I was in high school and this was my introduction to masturbation.

My fascination with it quickly faded and it was no longer something I was interested in. No, I didn’t come across any guilt or shame about it… I just didn’t care for it anymore.

Fast forward to college and the guy I gave my virginity too…there goes that vulnerability thing again— aaahhhh— when we had sex, I just could not bring myself to orgasm. This went on long enough for us to decide that I should go and see a doctor — by the way, as I learned at Ladies Night Out, 99% of women have the ability to orgasm, only 1% have a medical condition that doesn’t allow them too– with that being said, I explained what was happening to my doctor. She very calmly and almost ‘therapist’ like  asked me, “Are you able to orgasm on your own?” <insert Scooby Doo face here> Awkwardly smiling, I responded “I don’t understand your question.” She asked me, “Do you masturbate?” Uncomfortably responding, I said “No.” Thinking to myself, If I did, I don’t know if I would want to share that very very very intimate place with you. She handed me a pamphlet — YES!!! A pamphlet and a brochure on masturbation! I didn’t even know they make these! Who puts these things together? Who volunteered themselves for this research? Were women behind a glass with scientist watching them? Oh my, they even have pictures!!! Help me Lord! I stuffed the brochures in my back pack and slowly turned to leave as she encouraged me to let her know how it goes. Let you know how it goes? You want me to go home and masturbate and then come back and tell you how it goes? Uummm to the left. Of course I didn’t go over this with any of my friends. I was embarrassed. I think I was more embarrassed by my doctor’s response than the problem itself. I reported back to my boyfriend the ‘homework’ my doctor gave me, and he was excited for what we would ‘discover.’ What a stroke to his ego that my inability to orgasm had nothing to do with the “size of his ship, or the motion in his ocean.”

After that relationship ended, I spent a couple more months “weening” off of my active sex life with periodic masturbation….and then I gave my life to Christ. This is where the poop hit the fan! I didn’t know how to ask anyone whether or not my “weening off sex” method was ok. Nobody in church was talking about this. They were hardly talking about sex, other than to not do it, don’t watch porn, don’t lust and it’s not clear in the Bible, but you probably shouldn’t be masturbating either. Well alrighty then. Thanks for the memo saints!

So, here I was in my Bishop’s office a few years out of college, practically in tears, head down and limped over, muffling between sniffles how hard of a time my boyfriend and I were having keeping our hands off of each other. In a paraphrase of his words, “it’s better than having sex.” I looked up <surprised face emoji here> He nodded to confirm what I thought I heard. Wait! You’re giving us permission to do ‘this thing’ as long as we’re not having sex? Are there any other saints around to witness this? Hello! Anybody there! My pastor is telling me this is better than having sex… the lesser of two evils! My oh my! I didn’t see that one coming.

Whew… talk about being a vulnerable Naked Writer…in the words of Dr. Juanita Bynum,  “now you know all my business!”

Where am I now on this journey? I’ve come to terms that it’s an ‘exercise’ I’m not comfortable practicing. This is my own personal conviction. Why? A myriad of reasons that I’m not interested in sharing, as I don’t want my thoughts to be a molding ground of how you make your own decisions.

Here’s an excerpt from Dr. Juli’s blog that says it far more eloquently:

“I have great respect for women (married and single) who want to honor God with their sexuality. I believe masturbation is an issue that each woman has to ask the Lord about. When God wanted to be clear about something, He inspired clear teaching in Scripture. The Bible is silent on masturbation. What God did state definitely is that he wants to give us his wisdom. “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking” (James 1:5).

God is the High Priest who understands our questions and struggles. Even in this most intimate (and perhaps embarrassing) issue, don’t be afraid to pour out your heart to him and ask for his specific direction and wisdom.”

Am I throwing holy water on someone who decides to masturbate and casting out demons? Absolutely not. In the words of Dr.Juli, masturbation can be a great exercise for the couple separated for 6 months out of the year because her husband is on active military duty. What about the young lady whose husband got into a motorcycle accident and is paralyzed from the neck down? And now they are unable to have sex, what should she do? Or what about the single lady who is trying to overcome her addiction to sex and needs a place to ‘exert that energy’? Am I shunning her? Not by any means. But masturbation can also be a very bad place for the husband or wife doing it in secret, hiding from one another, the motive is impure, and not to mention it’s dishonest. Or the lady, married and single, whose motive is self sufficiency, trying to prove she doesn’t need a man. Often times, this act is paired with pornography and with lust– and there in lies the problem. That’s another blog!

I can’t give a definitive yes or no on whether or not people should masturbate. I have friends on both sides of this spectrum, and I understand both. My only definitive no is to porn and lust, as those things are psychologically proven to damage our psyche. I, along with 12 million other viewers, watched a great TED Talk on it. 12 million people? Wow! That many people want to know “why they should stop watching porn?” That’s another blog too!

I’ve done what I can… I’ve opened up the conversation, took you on my journey and shared where I presently stand on this ‘exercise.’  I have mastered this bait (pun intended) and, for now folks… my only intentional exercise to release my sexual tension will be at the gym….lol. Anybody need a Fitness Pal?

Yours Vulnerably.

*Less than 24 hours after posting this, the calls and texts came flooding in… Ladies and Gents, I encourage you to share your honest thoughts on the topic— don’t just commend my vulnerability here—when you comment on the blog, it is completely anonymous… you can make up a name to post with, and I am the only one who sees your email address. I have attempted to create the space where we can talk through this, even if it’s anonymously. There is freedom in seeing your secret thoughts on paper… it releases you in a  way I can not explain. After all, 8 of us are doing the same exact thing you are. Just for today, be vulnerable with me!*

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

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PS. Thanks for journey-ing  through life with me! If you know someone who might enjoy this, share my heart with them and remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch (top right corner)! Oh yeah and comment (top left corner)! You’d be surprised how your comments encourage other readers— because other readers, do read the comments!

See you soon😉

26 Comments Add yours

  1. Taijah says:

    Wow! I recently discovered your blog and can I just say it’s right on time? I am currently abstaining from sex. I have a boyfriend who is some what on board. He has what I like to call a “sexual sense of humor” which I often times don’t find very funny. I just feel like it taints my spirit and annoys me. He believes we should be able to laugh and joke about it because we aren’t “doing it’. It just doesn’t sit well with me.

    About a week ago I realized I may be just a ‘little’ uptight about sex. I decided that I would try to loosen up and talk more freely about sex. Then I decided to masturbate. I know 0 to a 100 real quick! It felt good. Like a release (pun intended) lol!! And since I’m being real vulnerable I’ll go ahead and share that I have done it several times with my B.O.B! I’ve felt guilty a few times but something you put in your post really stuck with me. It is the lesser of the 2 evils and that helps me feel a little better. I really do want to abstain until marriage and I am not willing to compromise. I hope my boy friend and I can get on the same page otherwise I’m willing to take the lessons I’ve learned thus far on what seems to be a never ending journey.

    Thank you so much for your vulnerability, you have definitely created a place where I feel safe sharing my inner most thoughts. I’m excited to see how much following your journey inspires mine!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Thank you so much for your vulnerability, you have definitely created a place where I feel safe sharing my inner most thoughts.” — That warms my heart. That has been my hope for this blog. Thank you for your vulnerability. Welcome Home Vulnerabite 🙂 Remember to Subscribe, so we can share life together.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. SIStah sisTAH says:

    I appreciate your transparency, and it is sad that topics such as masturbation and sex, are not freely addressed in many religious communities. I live by the understanding that we can’t conquer what we won’t confront! and the act of masturbation is not something that we can just pray away. Prayer works with faith, but faith without works is dead. I believe that masturbation is an issue, in the same way gluttony is an issue. But we often feel comfortable addressing topics that don’t bring as much shame. It is a self-harming method of filling a void and keeping which we keep in the dark. Often times, masturbation is the response to keeping a secret, secret.
    I’ve also struggled with masturbation and different factors have helped shine some light on my path and help me release tension such as, prayer, accountability, journaling, faith, music, patience, adventure, and EXERCISE!!!

    Thank you for sharing your story!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Yea! It’s totally easier to talk about the shame-less topics! Thank you for sharing your experience and journeying alongside us!

      Like

  3. thankful says:

    seconding all the Wows, Holy Cows, and Girl You Went Theres. i haven’t come across many helpful resources on masturbation, but this post actually is now on my go-to list. looking forward to reading Dr. J’s blog as well.

    this hasn’t been an easy conversation for me to discuss (it’s awkward! to friends waiting on Boaz, i feel like i’d come across as a heathen for admitting that i’ve masturbated and then to my sexually active friends i feel like i’d come across as a naive virgin). this post has helped me not feel alone. thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! That really encourages me! You are so not alone!!! I am so happy to hear that you’ve found a helpful resource here… Finally! Someone clicked on my links… Lol. Let’s stay in touch and journey together through life… Remember to subscribe 🙂

      Like

  4. Nana says:

    Great read! I had a similar experience with a nurse who told me to masturbate because she was not able to do a pap smear on me. I was 18 years old, a virgin, never worn a tampon, and never had a pap smear. I was so scared and jumping because i had a stranger touching my privates. She got so frustrated because i kept moving, she told be that i need to get use to having having things in my vagina, and that i should start sticking my finger in there when i shower. Her exact words…i was so schock!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Her exact words? 😳 No comment. Thank you for being vulnerable with me in this space.

      Like

  5. Melludi says:

    You just had to go there didn’t you! Oh, how I wrestle with this topic in my Christian walk….and honey, I’m part of that 1%, so the struggle has been (is) real! The reason we feel so embattled is because there aren’t enough forums for (Christian) women to talk about it and it isn’t exactly the easiest convo to have with even the closest friend or mentor…it’s more of a “you show me yours, and I’ll show you mine” convo…so thank you for being brave enough to go first, friend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes girl! (almost) Everyone is struggling with this and nobody wants to talk about it 😳 — you are exactly right— “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine!” That’s exactly right! Brave? Girl, just doing it afraid! Yikes!

      Like

  6. Prune and ReNew says:

    Haha…Oh, to be vulnerable?? Lol. Right or wrong…Haven’t figured out the answer! I have a couple questions for Jesus when we meet face to face! Definitely been there-more as a stress release-but deep shame always followed. And definitely not something I felt “free” to have conversations about! “God, what’s wrong with me?” was the usual response. I’d try to pray the urge away…blah blah. The feelings of shame/guilt/poor self-worth, etc, always followed…without fail. And these negative reactions/thoughts, are not from God-I know that much to be true! The source of those things are different for each person. My prayer is for God to “prune” anything in me that is self-destructive and puts up a wall between us. For me, that’s been one of those things in the past, so personally, it’s not a place I want to fall back to. But again, different people, different struggles, One true God! Gotta renew myself daily! The post hit home! Thanks boo!!😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. Wow. Wow. Your vulnerability is well received. Thank you for having the guts to be so open! And those “blah blah blah” prayers— Ditto! Really hoping the shame and guilt would be broken … The first step is to come out of hiding!! You did it! Congratulations! 😘 #NoMoreFigLeaves

      Like

  7. Holy cow!!! I am so amazed and inspired by your authenticity and vulnerability! What a gift!! Thank you for sharing your unique perspective on this topic! “The church” definitely could stand to do better at bringing these discussions to light, but WE are the church!!! Our generation is making moves! I mean, look at your blog, girl!! Whew!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us!!🙌🏾

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you for your encouragement as I continue to journey toward vulnerability and authenticity! Big Hugs! 😘

      Like

  8. Reformation says:

    Great post! I really loved it, but struggle because a part of me feels as if I’m facing a mirror. Masturbation is a nebulous topic for me. It’s neither good nor bad, but it is definitely uncomfortable because I feel like I’m always one stressful moment away from masturbating (I know I sound like an addict, but hear me out). I have a tendency to masturbate when I am emotionally off balance. Whether it be because of a guy, work, or some other stressful situation; masturbating, for me, provides relief. Some women masturbate for control, power, intimacy, etc. I masturbate when I’m stressed; and it’s extremely rare that porn or lust is involved, I just need the chemical release. I have to really work hard at not masturbating. I hope this helps someone that may be struggling with this. You are definitely NOT alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Wow! Wow! Facing a mirror? I totally get it! “I masturbate when I’m stressed” — Thank you for sharing this! Thank you for sharing honestly where you’re at with us. Someone else is reading your comment and thinking, “Ditto.” Thank you Reformation. Thank you for being vulnerable with me today 😉

      Like

  9. #2 says:

    Hold up, wait a minute, did my #2 just put her spin on it…Ha! I had to break the ice because boy, “It’s getting hot in herre (Nelly’s voice).”

    In all seriousness, it is hard out here in these, I want to be in the Proverbs 31 Hall of Fame streets. I really enjoyed this read, Ms. Naked Writer. In a culture that is overly saturated with sex and/or sexual innuendos, why is this topic so taboo again?!

    I have a very clear stance and personal conviction on this especially as someone who endured a very painful childhood past. However, I always “seek to understand” before passing judgement. When dealing with this subject matter as with all the others that often fall in the “grey” we must seek the Lord and ensure we have accountability in place.

    As Katsiaa said, I applaud your honesty and bravery to take on this topic. Definitely not your standard morning devotional or Bible Study topic.

    Continue to be a light! Engage the culture!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha! In these Proverbs 31 Hall of Fame Streets!!!! Exactly so saturated with SEX but we never really talk about it! Hahaha! Definitely not your standard devotional! 😝 Thanks for journeying with me and being so candid in your comment! #EngageTheCulture

      Like

  10. Not an easy task at all! Thank you for appreciating my candidness and willingness to speak my truth. It’s hard to expose myself and then just sit and wait for people’s response. But my freedom is in sharing, not in the responses. #FreedomInMyStory Thanks for journeying with me!

    Like

  11. Sherrelle says:

    Thanks for sharing!! Very thought provoking!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sherelle, thank you for journeying with me and taking a moment to comment! Glad it provoked some of your thoughts! Hope you will share it with friends and get a conversation going!

      Like

  12. 3000 says:

    WOW….thats all i could say!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Whew! Is all I could say when I hit publish ☺️ Thanks for taking a moment to read and comment!

      Like

  13. katsiaa says:

    Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!!!! Thanks for your openness! It takes courage to talk about a subject matter that is so… taboo, but need to be spoken about especially in the Christian community. I applaud your honesty.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not easy to be so vulnerable… Especially on the Internet! But somehow I’ve also found so much freedom in exposing this. Praying and believing people will be encouraged from the lessons in my journey!

      Like

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