Why I Don’t Talk About Him.

Hey Vulnerabites,

I got so much love from my last post. THANK YOU. I got about 50 different clicks from the links I shared. Whoop! Whoop! If only I was getting a commission…hhhmmm…maybe one day. I also want to show some love to my Vulnerabites who shared the post  … Big Sloppy Wet Smooches to you! And to my newly subscribed Vulnerabites… Glad to have you 🙂

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So, there’s this “new” space I’ve been trying to navigate … Yes- Take a deep breath.

We were all snuggled up in bundles of blankets and pillows, our eyes locked in to “Moonlight” and mouths wide open sipping on “Moonshine.” It was a cozy little cabin in the woods of Vermont, the snow outside extended for miles around us, no neighbors… just us… this was exactly what I had in mind when I envisioned, “a girls getaway.” She smiled and asked, “how’s your boo?” and then she leaned in with a tad bit more seriousness in her tone and asked “how come you never talk about him?” I just shrugged and said, “Well, you know, if people ask, then I share.” But she wasn’t buying it…. and quite frankly neither was I.

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Her question really struck a cord in me, Why didn’t I ever talk about my banana?”

Here’s my attempt to navigate the truth of this space…

One day, two years ago, I listened to one of my closest friends share her heart. She was going out with another friend and said, “I appreciate “Anna” so much, she is intentional about protecting the hearts of her single friends and doesn’t ever talk about her husband or her marriage.” Wow. I felt a sudden check in my gut. “Was I being inconsiderate of my single friends when I shared the details of my evolving love life?” Whether or not I was or I wasn’t… I took on the “cover the hearts of my single friends” cross. I took on that personal vow with fervent zeal and decided that I would not become the girl who was always talking about bae, texting bae, thinking about bae, what would bae think about this, what would bae say about that… bae bae bae …bae-quiet already!

“But I feel like you’re robbing of us something when you don’t share this part of your life with us,” she said. She was right! I remember being on the other side and feeling like, no married people ever talked about their marriages … at least not to me. Ok, maybe a few… like 4 women come to mind. But for the most part, it was the routine, “Oh we’re blessed. He’s good.”  #RollingMyEyes And here I was on the verge of doing the same thing.

Here’s my heart — I was doing it in an attempt to “soften the blow” of ‘receiving an answer to my prayers’ while my single friends still wait for theirs. Ouch.

It’s like waiting at the bus stop with someone and then your bus comes first. It only makes sense to get on right? And of course they’re not upset because they know their bus is coming too, right?

This has been very hard for me to say out loud. I felt pinches of “guilt” for handing in my Single Ladies Membership. I wanted to place the keys to the singles clubhouse in the mailbox and just tip-toe away without ruffling any feathers.

As I’m in this ‘new’ space, I’m thankful for my big sis who has aided me in “behind-the-scenes-logistics” that come with “Journey-ing to One-ness.” Not just as it pertains to me and bae, but also as it relates to my friends, my family and all the other things I’ve never stopped to think about. I call her about absolutely anything, I ask her candid questions and she’s always  transparent. I cherish her…she’s not ‘putting her business on the streets’ — she’s encouraging me and letting me know, “It’s gonna be ok boo.” I Love You Big Sis!

I must also say that I’m equally grateful for my Marriage Mentor who calls me into her home weekly to ‘teach me and equip me’ with tools to build the foundation for my future marriage. Thank You and Big Hugs to my very own “Ms.Clara” (…from WarRoom, did anybody catch that? lol) Not to scream at anyone, but … WE NEED MORE WOMEN WHO WILL DO THIS! I’m talking to my future self. And finally, thank you to the women like Mrs. Esther Thomas who are always ready to share their learning and growing places in marriage… like in this video for example!

So, as I navigate this ‘new’ space… I hope to learn how I can share enough of my relationship to be insightful to my friends, who are interested … but not so much that my banana feels ‘unpeeled’ without his permission.

To my friends who are single, I am sorry for robbing you.

To my married friends who robbed me, I forgive you.

Vulnerabites, whichever side of the coin you’re on…married, single, dating, vow of chastity or celibacy… I’m behind the screen sipping my tea, (not really, I have a water bottle next to me…lol) I’m waiting for you to flush your thoughts out in the comment box.

Let’s Talk…

Yours Vulnerably.

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18 Comments Add yours

  1. Vanessa says:

    Ok this was insightful.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Glad you found it so 🙂

      Like

  2. Amanda says:

    Beautifully written. It is always a pleasure to sit and listen to the experiences of others relationships. It is even more refreshing the selflessness you learned through your experience.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aaaww Amanda 😌 We are also waiting on the married women like you to also share some experiences.

      Like

  3. Whew!!! Love, love, love!!! I confess, I’ve definitely had moments when I’ve met an old friend for coffee, for example, in the midst of a serious relationship, or after marriage and kids, and felt completely disconnected because their bae, while not even present dominated the conversation! And I’m sitting there like “Hello? is my friend still in there?!” Haha. Thank you for sharing this perspective! It is indeed a fine balance, but I am SO glad that you’ve given us a peek into this beautiful space in your life! I, too, deeply admire women, like yourself and Mrs. Thomas (woot woot!!!), who are open and honest about these things! I’m the first to ask “Tell me how you two met?” Or “What’s the secret to being married so long?” Or “What’s the hardest part about marriage?”, etc., to my friends in that stage in life, and I always learn sooo much! Friends who are unafraid to be candid and “keep it real” are truly a blessing to those of us expectantly looking forward to that season of life! Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing life with us, lovely!!! *HUGS!*❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. P.s. That picture is GAWGEOUSSSS!!!!😍

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Aaaaawww…. THANK YOU!

        Like

    2. “It is indeed a fine balance, but I am SO glad that you’ve given us a peek into this beautiful space in your life!” — Balance seems to be the reoccurring theme here! Yes ma’am… Totally out of my comfort zone, but this is my year of ‘not being comfortable.’ Big Big Hugs!

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  4. Olga says:

    Thanks for sharing your heart!
    I enjoy hearing stories like yours specially when God is the center of that relationship … after being divorced and single for a couple of years now I never really thought I would feel the urge to find that special someone again… in my case I had that area of my life shut down for a while so when I hear about your process and how The Lord has crafted your relationship with your banana lol it only inspires me to wait to grow closer to Him to know that there is hope and that if I’m patient and trust Him I too can experience the goodness of His essence and faithfulness … So I thank you for sharing your heart with me and I pray for discernment and allow the Holy Spirit to be my filter who reminds me constantly that as beautiful other relationships and marriages are mine will also be unique!!! and that gives me peace and keeps me expectant 🙂 great read!!! Whoop whoop!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my sweet darling Olga… You know how to make my heart all mushy inside… Especially when you say things like, ” … it only inspires me to wait to grow closer to Him …” Really? Well, I’m touched. So glad sharing my heart encourages someone. This space is a delicate one, I try to tread carefully. I’m on standby as your story unfolds… Big Big Hugs!

      Like

  5. Joelle says:

    This is some powerful stuff! How do you navigate that fine line of sharing your happiness with your friends (who are happy for you), and not rubbing their faces in their singleness?
    To answer my own question…know your support system. Your true friends are not only happy for you, they have a notebook and pen, and are getting tips on how to deal with the truth of relationships and marriage…shout out to Mrs. Thomas!
    Being honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly so that your system not only rejoices with you, but they cry with you or promise to help you hide the evidence (just kidding about this last part).
    Truth is the only time your friends don’t want to know anything about your man is when they feel he is not good enough for you, doesn’t respect you, is unfaithful, or is abusing you (because God is working on my violent tendencies, info about abuse needs to be shared wisely or else the Vaseline and baseball bat come out; and I’m NOT kidding. )

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Joelle! Yes… This is the golden question… “How do you navigate that fine line of sharing your happiness with your friends, and not rubbing their faces in their singleness?” — Exactly. You bring up good points…My support system should be there to smile and cry with me. Thank you for engaging in this space with me Joelle…. Very Big Hugs! 🙂

      Like

  6. Sistah inspire says:

    Thank you for sharing this experience. I can understand the awkwardness or feeling “guilty” about being blessed and your situation changing while others around you are still waiting.
    But, I’m not sure it’s any one else’s role to “protect” another person’s heart; or if that’s even possible or if keeping such details actually does protect someone’s Heart.
    I respect one being aware of other people’s situation and in this case not spending girl time by texting or talking about your bae but there is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy about your blessing and showing it. Genuine family and friends should allow you to express that joy and share that space with you as your story gives hope during their waiting process. The silence can possibly lead others to wonder, why you are not talking about your blessing. As a believer in Christ, I believe it’s my responsibility to inform others of When God intervenes because we boast not in ourselves but in God.

    This reminds me of parents who attempt to “protect” their children by withholding information or experiences from them; instead of communicating truth to their kids because in reality this doesn’t protect their children from much, it actually shows the discomfort of the parent .

    So I would hope that all of my friends and family will feel comfortable expressing their joy and experiences of the arrival of their bus; then proceed to share some advice and encouragement because I am the protector of my heart.
    This topic is on point and I’m really happy that you were willing to share this. I’ can’t wait to hear what others have to say!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes Sistah Inspire… You hit quite a few nails on the head here. I can’t carry the cross of “protecting someone else,” But I CAN be mindful not to gloat in the very thing someone else desires… The key here is balance and I’m learning that. Had this young lady not called me out, I would have continued to “carry this cross.” In any case, it’s a growing space for me. Thank you for engaging in the conversation with me. Big Hugs!

      Like

  7. KayLove says:

    Great read, thanks for sharing your heart. Being a single lady, and seeing friends and my peers get married is bitter sweet. Bitter because it’s a reminder that I’m still waiting for the bus, but sweet because I’m genuinely happy to see people happy. For me, I do want to know how my friends love life is going, but with balance. I guess that’s it, finding the balance.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sistah inspire says:

      Balance is key!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. Everything in Balance, even balance.

        Like

    2. Bitter sweet is a good choice of words! Absolutely Balance is Key! 🙂

      Like

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