How Facebook Helped Me Lie.

Dear Vulnerabites,

I really wasn’t ok, but I wanted to give the perception that I was.

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This smile was a lie.

In fact, I was scrolling through Google deciding which “how to commit suicide” link I wanted to click on. I was searching for a sure way to cement my attempted overdose. I did not want my stomach being pumped and risk possibly coming back to life. That’s NOT how a suicide is supposed to work.

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I had a 7-step plan.

  1. Family leaves for work…
  2. Take pills…
  3. Out for 7 hours…
  4. Family comes home…
  5. Calls ambulance…
  6. Its too late..
  7. I’d be gone.

I’d be free.

I didn’t have enough milligrams of pain killers in my medicine cabinet to get the job done. Some suicide plan I had. I started watching YouTube videos on suicide, and somehow stumbled on a video of this pastor talking about suicide —and something he said led me to text three friends… “Please pray for me. Don’t call me, don’t ask me questions. Just Pray.” SEND.

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More lies for Facebook.

No! I didn’t receive salvation from a YouTube video — no hard feelings if you have. I was already a born-again, Bible-thumping Christian at this point…I’m embarrassed to admit that. Yet, I was at my wits end with the pain that this life had brought me. I felt like God had really tried me. “After all I had done for you God, this is what you have for me?”  I was not in the “Job state of mind”… I was not going to trust this man who was slaying me.

I opted for suicide as an option for peace. I was desperate for anything that would make this pain go away… and for sure, if I had no pulse… then I would feel no pain.

The first step to my recovery – I closed my Facebook account.

It’s been 5 years and I am yet to reactivate my personal account.

This is not a Facebook bashing post…I’m simply sharing the effects of how I used it.

I was using the “likes and comments” to massage my rejection. I needed to know that someone still thought that I was worth a “thumbs up.”

He had just broken my heart and my Facebook world was watching.

Don’t let them see you sweat, right?

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I was having nightmares of the pain and waking up with my face wet… crawling to the bathroom, only when I could feel pee beginning to slide down the inside of my thighs… and on some days I only showered when my mom came home from work and dragged me into the tub (One time for all the mothers in the world!). Oh and eating? Forget it. I had absolutely no appetite — you could see the bones in my chest from all the weight loss. Oh but for the hair extensions that helped me look half way decent, my hair had become brittle and thin.

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My weight loss was beginning to show.

I was living this perversely double life. I was in pain and I didn’t want anyone to know it. Especially not my ex… and definitely not his new girl. So I made sure that my Facebook status always had a “catchy cool quote” and that my pictures were all of me smiling and having a good time. Because I knew he’d be checking my page… after all, I was stalking his… and hers too… and the pages of all his friends and family too.  Vulnerabites, don’t look at me like that! I know I’m not the only Facebook stalker here.

I would comment on his friend’s pictures… because I wanted him to feel the sting that I was ‘still cool’ with his peeps.

Oh and YES… I was checking his Facebook messages too, because long ago he had given me his password,  I wanted to know what he was telling people about our break up… or what chick was sliding into his inbox, now that the pictures of us were all down.

Ohh yyeeahhh— how could I forget the sting that came when he took down all the pictures of us. He kept them up after the break-up, and in my mind it was a glimmer of hope. So, when he took them down… I knew for sure it was over (because him saying it wasn’t enough…. The absence of us on Facebook was the “real” break-up)… and what did I do? I then proceeded to remove our pictures from my account as well… not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to pretend that I was over it too.

Oh you see… my Facebook life wasn’t a reflection of my reality…. Rather it was a reflection of what I wanted people to see. And quite frankly, it was getting hard to manage this perception that was in total conflict with my reality.

So I closed my Facebook acoount.

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The last picture I posted on my Facebook Account.

As I’ve returned to social media 5 years later (for my blog – y’all better connect with me and bring a friend with you…lol), I’m running into memories of why I closed my accounts to begin with.

I see some of my friends in the shadows of that life I lived. Their social media pages are not an accurate reflection of their conversations with me.

But do I really want that though? Do I want my friend spilling her rejection and broken heart in a Facebook status?

I don’t know.

As much as I want to see an honest reflection of someone’s life when I scroll through their social  media… I don’t know how I feel about you posting a picture of yourself at the hospital with an IV in your arm… I mean, how about you just be present to the doctors and nurses attending to you.

If you’re at the dentist about to get your teeth whitened…. Cool! Show me that.

I suffer from “when on Instagram, do what the Instagram-ers do!” Yep! I’m guilty… I try to only post the aesthetically pleasing pictures from my camera roll!

I think I’m challenged with sharing this “process” called life… and not just the highlight reels.

How will the next heart broken girl attempting to take her life know that someone else in the world is hurting too…or that “I’ve been there baby, you are going to get through this.”

So, Vulnerabites… how do we even begin to share life outside of our highlight reels?

I don’t have an answer. I’m interested in what ideas you might have.

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Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. MAC!!! Praise God for you, and the incredible ways He has continued to work out your life story! What a beautiful testimony! Thank you for sharing, boo!!!

    Honestly, when I think of the first church as described in Acts, and all of the believers being one in heart in many new, and having everything in common, I don’t see social media fitting into that equation! I think it’s a temptation for all of us to show our best selves (guilty!🙋🏾) because sometimes, it’s easier and less complicated! Even when someone posts the bad and the ugly, sure they may get comments such as “praying for you” (hopefully, a few actually commit to praying!) or “so sorry…feel better”…BUT does that really foster the kind of community that can nourish our souls??!!

    As someone who is very guarded and super careful about who I “let in”, social media is not my platform of choice for sharing for sharing all of my “personal” struggles, challenges, heartaches, etc. Some issues, I bring to my sisters/brothers in Christ, because to me, that’s community! I don’t wanna hear “sorry boo” I want to seat across from a dear friend and hear “let’s pray” or “let’s talk about it.” I totally agree with Joelle and Lis on the need to check my heart before posting. And sometimes, it’s ok to be feelin’ yourself, and post a cute pic showing the world you are beautifully and wonderfully made! Feel me? Haha! 😉So, Facebook is more of an inspirational platform, for me! On “social” media, I try to keep it more “social” with a hint of personal. But all the things you mention still ring true!

    YOU ARE PHENOMINAL.

    😘 XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *Excuse the typos! Autocorrect be mad disrespectful sometimes!🙈

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Girl… I don’t even know what you’re talking about 😂

        Like

    2. Wow! Wow! Wow! Yes! The temptation to show our best selves! And you’re absolutely right… it’s a FALSE sense of community! We need real in-person authentic conversations with someone we can see and touch! You hit it right on the head!

      More social with a hint of personal! I hear you ma’am ☺️

      Thanks for sharing with us Vulnerabites! Love You 😘

      Like

  2. aseekerfinds says:

    This post has me in Selah mode.

    Thankful for your presence here with us, and that you found hope in the midst of pain.

    For showing us it’s okay to not bear our hurt alone.

    For reaching out when you wanted to be isolated. I can relate to some extent to thoughts of self-harm, and I share that here not to point to my story…but in case someone is reading the comments and also can relate on any level, I share this to add on to Naked Writer’s evidence that this journey is one that can lead to life and wellness. Reaching out to someone who I knew could relate helped me realize that I actually wasn’t alone, and that my journey wasn’t isolated as I’d thought it was. First truth that helped me.

    Regarding your question, it’s one I also wonder about. I left Facebook because I couldn’t emotionally handle seeing people fly to Europe with their boyfriends…or people saying they’re pissed off, and when a commenter asks why, they respond, “i don’t wanna talk about it.” Or people saying they had the worst day ever because the drive thru took 11 minutes instead of 7. And let’s not even go down the route of Facebook and politics.

    So I left, but I told myself I didn’t want to be the person I didn’t want to see on social media. I kept Instagram and Twitter bc with those I had more control of who popped up on my feed.

    Joelle’s friend is on point with asking, why am I posting this. I tend to not post in the heightened times of pain, just bc I don’t feel like it. But some of my posts will point to pain I’ve experienced that’s related to whatever I just posted about. Whether it was graduating and school being hard, or my loc-aversary and dealing with low self-esteem. In those posts, I try to not make it seem like everything is perfect, or that “life WAS hard but everything is perfect NOW.”

    I also don’t post frequently. Helps me manage my desire for likes.

    You made me do a social media inventory. I’ve never done that.

    Luh you, Boo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bahahahaaa… because the drive took 11 minutes!!! BOo-HoO! Right!?

      “For showing us it’s okay to not bear our hurt alone.” — This is why I write!

      Thank you for sharing your journey with us so candidly! I appreciate you madam!

      Wow! A social media inventory! Good One! Encouraged that sharing my own life has provoked you to action in yours! – Another reason I write!

      Big Hugs!

      Like

  3. Joelle says:

    As always, I am amazed that you share so openly. It is truly one of the bravest things that anyone can do.

    I think your question is one with no definitive answer. How does a person know when and what to share?
    A very close friend shared some insight by saying ask yourself this question “What is the purpose of what I am sharing?”
    I think it is a wise question to ask before posting. Why am I sharing? What is my goal? What result am I looking for?

    The other thing I love about this blog is that you show the world that being Christian doesn’t mean you have all of the answers, or that you are perfect, or that you don’t go through the exact same emotional and psychological traumas like the rest of the world. It means that you have a relationship with God and as in other relationships, it has its ups and downs, but you know that you know that you know that He will never fail you nor forsake you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sigh Joelle. After I hit publish, I’m always haunted with the thought, “did I really need to share all of that?” It really feels like I have this compelling nag to be vulnerable in hopes of helping someone. So thank you for always joining me in conversation.

      Good questions your friend asks. But I wonder if everything on social media will have a “purpose”… sometimes we post just because it “looks good” and in social media world, that really is enough 🙂

      Yes girl! Christian definitely doesn’t mean I have all the answers or that I feel pain perfectly or handle trials eloquently. Amen! He’ll never leave me nor forsake me… I know that much!

      Thanks for reading!

      Like

  4. Da Rasta Hippy says:

    This is raw and uncut. I tip my hat off to you! You’re the bravest person I know for sharing this story. I’m glad you made it through to shine your light to others!
    Peace and love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aaaaawwww! That really means a lot! Thank you Rasta Hippy!

      I’m glad I made it through TOO!!! ☺️

      Big Hugs!

      Like

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