So, I know y’all like when I talk relationships, those posts always drive the most traffic, and not to mention, it came up a number of times in response to my last post asking, “what do you want to read about?” So as per the request of a fellow Vulnerabite, here we go…
“A guy told me years ago that he felt as though women become so ready to be in a relationship that if they don’t have anyone by a certain age with the standards that they’ve set, that they will lower their standards just to find a guy, not the right guy. What is your take on that? “
Hhhmmm… #FirstTake #LetsGo
What a loaded question. Let’s break it up…
1.) …if they don’t have anyone by a certain age…
According to this article in Psychology Today, the ideal age to get married is between the ages of 28-32. Any younger/older than that, increases our chances of divorce. Vulnerabites, our lives are not bound to reflect the findings of these studies, there are always exceptions to the rule. So, if you got married any younger/older… Stop! Don’t cue the music for a pity party!
My experience: I got engaged at 24, the first time, (read about how that turned out here) and I remember feeling like, “this is what people my age do— we get married.” When he asked me to marry him, my thought was “why not?” (it took me TWO months to give him an answer, that should’ve been my FIRST red flag that I wasn’t ready).
When I got engaged later in my 20s, for the last time, I had matured so much. When my banana asked me to marry him, my thoughts were more like, “it’s about time!” AND I answered him in the same moment! By this point in my life, I had dealt with so many of my issues (Yes! Through Counseling!) and I had grown in my self-awareness. I understood me enough to offer a more ‘healthy’ version of myself in a relationship.
My Take: Late 20s – and beyond sound like a “good age” to begin seriously dating someone.
2.) … with the standards that they’ve set…
We’ve all heard about that infamous list, right?
My experience: I had one. I threw it away after my fiancé dumped me, because ironically he was “exactly” what I had on my list– including being 6’2 (insert eye roll).
And then I created a new list.
Putting it on paper just helped me get it out of my head. When I started developing my United Nations dating portfolio, as coined by my #2, I didn’t pull out my list and hold it next to the fellas to see if they checked off on all my boxes before going on a date with them, in fact — when I wrote that list, I never looked at it again.
What did I do? I dated every “nice” guy who was interested in me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again— even if the fella doesn’t look like “your type”, give him a CHANCE anyway! I knew that I wanted someone who was a believer in Jesus Christ (like a real one) and honest, anything else I could work with. — Ok, I’m lying, but those were my two “must haves”.
My Take: &@^@(*! your standards! Pick your top 3 non-negotiables (preferably about his character), and throw the rest of that stuff to the birds!
3.) …they will lower their standards just to find a guy…
Don’t lower them, throw them away!
Just give people a chance.
We have standards because we “think” we know what’s best for us… often, we don’t even really ‘see’ ourselves until we are in relationship (friendships/familyships included).
Relationships are not job interviews, you are not “hiring” someone. Do you go on dates and give the guy a “job description” to be your bae? The checklist of things he needs to be qualified in before “accepting the job?”
Standards are our ideas to help us make a judgment. HHmmm…
In some ways, It only makes sense. We can only make a decision based on “our” own experiences, right? I guess.
But there’s so much we haven’t been exposed to or even understand.
I remember visiting Tanzania with a group of caucasian women. I blended right in because of my dark skin. We would walk in the streets and the locals (even children) would shout at them “mzungu” — Swahili for “turn around in the same spot” — like walking in circles— it was their way of saying caucasians were always lost and walked around in circles.
The locals had made judgments of these women based on their own ideas (or ideas of their fore fathers) and had gone as far as to create a word in their language to describe this “standard” (which really is a behavior). Is it fair?
Our own ideas and experiences can not be the sole driving force for how we make judgments.
Not to mention we are flawed and broken and we deserve to be given a chance at love too, despite our inability to meet the “standard” society has created for the ‘attractive’ woman.
I can remember the guy in middle school who told me I was too “flat chested” and “pimple faced” for him to be interested in me… Ouch! I didn’t meet his standards then — if only he could see me now. Ok, I’m back… I had a moment…lol
My Take: Just have standards for yourself! A standard for who YOU want to be.
What kind of partner do you want to be? Be that.
I can almost assure you that you will probably attract what you’re looking for anyway.
Andy Stanley said it best: “Be the person who you’re looking for, is looking for.” Check out his talks on that here!
My Final Take: Women are probably “lowering their standards” as they get older from a fear of being alone. Tori shares her fear of that in this video and it’s admirable. Let’s not just talk about the surface stuff called standards, but what is that vulnerable place ‘the lowering of standards’ points to?
So, Vulnerabites… What’s your take? Should women lower their standards as they get older?
#FirstTake #NoI’mNotStephenA #MySportsFansWillGetIt
The Naked Writer