If You’re Not Married by 28, You’re Screwed.

Hey Vulnerabites,

So, I know y’all like when I talk relationships, those posts always drive the most traffic, and not to mention, it came up a number of times in response to my last post asking, “what do you want to read about?” So as per the request of a fellow Vulnerabite, here we go…

“A guy told me years ago that he felt as though women become so ready to be in a relationship that if they don’t have anyone by a certain age with the standards that they’ve set, that they will lower their standards just to find a guy, not the right guy. What is your take on that? “

Hhhmmm… #FirstTake #LetsGo

What a loaded question. Let’s break it up…

1.) …if they don’t have anyone by a certain age…

According to this article in Psychology Today, the ideal age to get married is between the ages of 28-32. Any younger/older than that, increases our chances of divorce. Vulnerabites, our lives are not bound to reflect the findings of these studies, there are always exceptions to the rule. So, if you got married any younger/older… Stop! Don’t cue the music for a pity party!

My experience: I got engaged at 24, the first time, (read about how that turned out here) and I remember feeling like, “this is what people my age do— we get married.” When he asked me to marry him, my thought was “why not?” (it took me TWO months to give him an answer, that should’ve been my FIRST red flag that I wasn’t ready). 

When I got engaged later in my 20s, for the last time, I had matured so much. When my banana asked me to marry him, my thoughts were more like, “it’s about time!”  AND I answered him in the same moment! By this point in my life, I had dealt with so many of my issues (Yes! Through Counseling!) and I had grown in my self-awareness. I understood me enough to  offer a more ‘healthy’ version of myself in a relationship.

My Take: Late 20s – and beyond sound like a “good age” to begin seriously dating someone.

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2.) … with the standards that they’ve set…

We’ve all heard about that infamous list, right?

My experience: I had one. I threw it away after my fiancé dumped me, because ironically he was “exactly” what I had on my list– including being 6’2 (insert eye roll).

And then I created a new list.

Putting it on paper just helped me get it out of my head. When I started developing my United Nations dating portfolioas coined by my #2, I didn’t pull out my list and hold it next to the fellas to see if they checked off on all my boxes before going on a date with them, in fact — when I wrote that list, I never looked at it again.

What did I do? I dated every “nice” guy who was interested in me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again— even if the fella doesn’t look like “your type”, give him a CHANCE anyway! I knew that I wanted someone who was a believer in Jesus Christ (like a real one) and honest, anything else I could work with. — Ok, I’m lying, but those were my two “must haves”.

My Take: &@^@(*! your standards! Pick your top 3 non-negotiables (preferably about his character), and throw the rest of that stuff to the birds!

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3.) …they will lower their standards just to find a guy…

Don’t lower them, throw them away!

Just give people a chance.

We have standards because we “think” we know what’s best for us… often, we don’t even really ‘see’ ourselves until we are in relationship (friendships/familyships included).

Relationships are not job interviews, you are not “hiring” someone. Do you go on dates and give the guy a “job description” to be your bae? The checklist of things he needs to be qualified in before “accepting the job?”

Standards are our ideas to help us make a judgment. HHmmm…

In some ways, It only makes sense. We can only make a decision based on “our” own experiences, right? I guess.

But there’s so much we haven’t been exposed to or even understand.

I remember visiting Tanzania with a group of caucasian women. I blended right in because of my dark skin. We would walk in the streets and the locals (even children) would shout at them “mzungu” — Swahili for “turn around in the same spot” — like walking in circles— it was their way of saying caucasians were always lost and walked around in circles.

The locals had made judgments of these women based on their own ideas (or ideas of their fore fathers) and  had gone as far as to create a word in their language to describe this “standard” (which really is a behavior). Is it fair?

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Our own ideas and experiences can not be the sole driving force for how we make judgments.

Not to mention we are flawed and broken and we deserve to be given a chance at love too, despite our inability to meet the “standard” society has created for the ‘attractive’ woman.

I can remember the guy in middle school who told me I was too “flat chested” and “pimple faced” for him to be interested in me… Ouch! I didn’t meet his standards then — if only he could see me now. Ok, I’m back… I had a moment…lol

My Take:  Just have standards for yourself! A standard for who YOU want to be.

What kind of partner do you want to be? Be that.

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I can almost assure you that you will probably attract what you’re looking for anyway.

Andy Stanley said it best: “Be the person who you’re looking for, is looking for.” Check out his talks on that here

My Final Take: Women are probably “lowering their standards” as they get older from a fear of being alone. Tori shares her fear of that in this video and it’s admirable. Let’s not just talk about the surface stuff called standards, but what is that vulnerable place ‘the lowering of standards’ points to?

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So, Vulnerabites… What’s your take? Should women lower their standards as they get older?

#FirstTake #NoI’mNotStephenA #MySportsFansWillGetIt

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

 

17 Comments Add yours

  1. We should be honest with who we are to be sure of what we want. I believe there will always be a perfect person for you without you having to change yourself to fit in with every person you come across. Nice article!
    (Oh a lil note, “Mzungu” actually means White person. “Zunguka” would mean turn around 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right! Honest with who we are! 😎 (Thanks for the note! Yes you are right! Mzungu only comes from that word!)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The title is really caught my eyes. Standards defines us and if lowered just to get someone that will be pretending. Let’s me put it this way; age makes you lower the standards and get that guy. You are stuck with him and you can’t keeping lowering standards forever. So I think the standards should not be compromised under whatever circumstances.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad to hear that! I always hope to do that with my titles ☺️

      Thanks for chiming in Cheche. I understand your point!

      Welcome to the Vulnerabite Family ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Good blog!
    Hell no, a woman should not lower her standards at all. Nobody should lower there standards no matter how old you are.
    People fear being alone but being heartbroken is the real fear

    I will say this I respect women with high standards but some women have standards that are just impossible to meet though. Some women are looking for perfection(even though they won’t admit it lol) I believe women in this category could lower the standards a bit. Every female is different
    Problem is be are pressured to settle down and being in a relationship and this is complete bullshit.
    Whoever said “the ideal age to get married is between the ages of 28-32. Any younger/older than that, increases our chances of divorce”, is talking nonsense(no disrespect). You can get married at 22 or 52 it don’t matter, as long as you 100% sure the follow your heart. A divorce can happen any given time no matter your age.
    I wouldn’t recommend lowering standards for any guy(Unless your one of those extremely picky type of women that’s looking for perfection) because men are not lowering their standards for women.
    Find a guy that’s respectful, has ambitions and not afraid to express his emotions are the primary things to look for in a guy
    Everything else like, looking attractive, nice body, having money, good performer in the bedroom are all just secondary.
    Dating is supposed to be fun, dating shouldn’t be a race to the finish line no matter the age.
    The hare and the tortoise for example: The hare way faster but the tortoise won the race because he paced himself took his time and seized the advantage. This relates to dating and relationships. I know this example is not straight forward but think about it hard it does make sense.
    I love this post and I could go all day about this. Keep up the good work

    Liked by 3 people

    1. “…because men are not lowering their standards for women.” — Wow. Very Very Very good point.

      I think on the other end of that point, it could be argued that women far out number men, so in a sense they have an advantage and can “afford” to do that.

      But I hear your points, all very good ones.

      Thanks for engaging (quite passionately) in the conversation!

      Welcome New Vulnerabite 🙂 We are happy to have you!

      Like

      1. Well thank you for having me.
        I guess your right I guess can afford to do so. Just be careful when you lower standards and don’t lower them too much

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks Mr.546! We appreciate your thoughts!

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Kye Medley says:

    Soooo, I am not going to lie, when that guy said to me “women will lower their standards just to find a guy, and not the right guy,” I felt like one of those women because I really wanted to be with someone, and even though I had standards, they had pretty much dwindled into nothing as I got older, lol. And when I did lower my standards or give a guy chance after chance, it didn’t go anywhere. That’s when I stopped looking and let it happen naturally, so I guess lowering my standards or even having the standards I set didn’t really help me much. And honestly not looking was the best thing I could do because my now fiancé came into my life when I least expected it. And he had some of the qualities that I was looking for, not all, but it still felt right. You know when you know, and I knew he was my guy. He and I had known each other in college but things didn’t work out then. We both realized that we needed to mature and live our lives before we came back to each other. And after that phase, I was ready to take a chance with him, someone different than who I thought I was supposed to be with, #nostandards. So, I would agree with not feeling like you’re “lowering your standards.” I like what you wrote about not lowering them, but throwing them out and giving people a chance.” That was so true for me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I literally was getting dressed this morning and thought, “Oh crap, I forgot to Little One’s comment” …lol.

      “I felt like one of those women because I really wanted to be with someone” — Wow! Impressed with your vulnerability. Thank You.

      “And he had some of the qualities that I was looking for, not all, but it still felt right.” — NOT ALL! That’s a very good point, nobody we marry will have ALL of what we want… and if he/she does… Hhhmmm.

      “I was ready to take a chance with him, someone different than who I thought I was supposed to be with, #nostandards” — Wow. Someone DIFFERENT than who you thought! Well, I’m glad you gave him a chance, and I’m sure you are too…lol. And his proposal was BEAUTIFUL might I add… I am still in awe that he produced a song for you! I can’t wait until he releases it on iTunes so I can buy it!!!! lol

      Yes, at the end of the day… it’s just about giving people a chance. In ALL of our relationships, not just the romantic ones.

      Look what happened with us! Muah!!!

      Love You girl!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Didi says:

    Love it! The title alone caught my attention! I’m a strong believer in standards because without them, one can fall for anything. However, on the other hand, you’re definitely right about being who you’re looking is looking for. Now that was the core essence of this blog. If no one remembers anything else, I hope they remember that lol.

    Once again, love it and keep creating content we genuinely enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Didi! I try to make the titles something I would click on myself…lol.

      Exactly! You got it boo!!!! That was exactly the essence of this post!

      Thank you Didi! I will try!

      Like

  6. Nope ! Don’t lower your standards . I had low standards in all of my 20s but I was desperate and was clinging to all the wrong things. Now I have a solid relationship with Christ and he has checked me on a lot of things and I’m taking this time to grow and become the woman God intended me to be without all the extra baggage . If God sent me my husband when I thought I wanted one I probably would of been divorced already . I just turned 30 this summer and I’m truly trusting God this time. My mindset is different and as long as he loves the Lord and submits to his will I’m all for it , until then I will continue doing what God called me to do but I know one thing I’m not settling 😌💕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ” I’m taking this time to grow and become the woman God intended me to be without all the extra baggage ”

      Cristal! What a great way to look at this season of life. It is indeed a time to work on one’s self… it’s going to save you tons of unnecessary arguments, heartaches and stress when you do get into a relationship… of course they won’t all completely disappear, but at least working on yourself can help minimize them 🙂 Proud of you girl!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Joelle says:

    As a black woman fast approaching 40, my main concern is not being alone….it’s all the doggone people bothering me about it. You know those people…the “well meaning” elder, or the Pastor’s wife…heck..even the Pastor asking me why I’m single.

    While I appreciate that they are scratching their heads wondering why one as fabulous as me is still single..the truth is….it is because I want to be single.
    I learned this from Ms. Mac. She had a plan for herself and followed through, she was intentional about being in a relationship.

    I realized that I am intentional about things that I truly want…I guess I’m just not that fussed about being in a relationship. My view on it is..if it happens, great, if not, I’m cool with that too. I am intentional about being happy. Do I have standards? You betcha! Are they crazy? Nope! Are some of them shallow? Without a doubt!

    I’m not saying that single people are not looking, I’m talking about the fact that I am single, and keeping it real, I ain’t looking. This is strictly about me!

    The moral of my story is this….if you aren’t willing to bend or compromise, or be realistic, better resign yourself to singing like Akon…lonely…I’m so lonely…not true, but chances are you’re probably going to remain single…so embrace it…..just my two cents…please don’t throw tomatoes…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaaa! Joelle! I always appreciate your contribution to the conversation!

      In your words, “I’m talking about the fact that I am single, and keeping it real, I ain’t looking. This is strictly about me!” —- I love it! Thank you for showing us that there ARE singles in the world, who just aren’t looking! And that’s ok!

      No tomatoes here for your two cents! Big hugs!

      Like

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