What If I Never Get Married?

 

Hey Vulnerabites,

She sent me an email sharing how the transparency in my blog had inspired her own openness. After a few “hard and force you to process your feelings” questions and a couple of rough drafts later, this fell into my inbox. I hope you find her honesty as refreshing as I did. Let’s show our guest writer some love!!! I love you girl. Hugging you tightly!

Please hear me clearly – I’m not pointing to anyone else’s experience. I’m pointing to the time in my life when I willingly kept talking to a guy who explicitly told me that I was pure entertainment for him; a plaything.

Someone who made me feel confused: insecure when he derisively made fun of me, yet expressed words of care that I longed to hear.

My desire to be desired made me swallow back the part of me that knew he was a jerk.

I adjusted my speech and held back my genuine thoughts to try and limit any negative responses. It was exhausting.

I began not liking who I was whenever we talked.

I don’t want that for my life. So, if I keep focusing on “how I’m single,” will I eventually do whatever I think it takes to end that status?

A status which may never end?

What if I never get married? Is who I have and what I have in my life enough?

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I’m 27.

And part of me is tired.
I was recently on the phone with someone who saw a photo of me and mentioned it was a beautiful picture. They then asked, “Why are you still single?”

In the past two years, the only people who have expressed any romantic interest are two middle-aged men, both of whom sent my internal alarms blaring.

And, anyone I’ve been interested in, hasn’t been interested in me.

So, it is what it is.

I’m tired of people assuming I’m not being open, without explaining to me what being opens look like. I don’t turn away from friendships with men, I speak to strangers, if someone were to ask me out to coffee (and I feel safe), my answer is yes.

It’s not like men are coming up to me left and right and I’m swatting them away with the skill of Sloane Stephens.

It’s that men aren’t coming up to me.

When I’ve asked how to “be more open,” I’ve received the following responses:

  • Don’t turn people down when they ask you out. (Done.)
  • Don’t walk around with a scowl. (I smile a lot!).
  • Make eye contact with people. (I do that too. Which is why the aforementioned men approached me).
  • Be more proactive…after all, it’s 2017. (I’ve gone speed-dating and tried online dating).

When my friend asked why I was still single, part of me wanted to scream!

The academic in me wanted to provide a PowerPoint presentation of all my experiences to date. The “shrug; it is what it is” part triumphed.

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A friend of mine says that God once told her, “Saying no today will make tomorrow’s yes even sweeter.” When I look at the beautiful, complex, yet committed and honoring marriages around me, I am encouraged to hope for what I believe is to come (for me). And I genuinely celebrate with people whose wait has ended. I legit feel that when one of my friends gets engaged, it’s a win. Like – “GURL! I know how hard the struggle is out here in these streets! I’m so glad you found a good one!”

Seeing the pain that others around me have gone through as they navigate disappointment in the midst of a challenging relationship (or breakup) also cautions me to wait.

I wait, yet I’m so aware that I’m single.

Being so aware of my singleness bothers me, because I don’t want that awareness to dictate my actions. I don’t want to be so focused on being single that I knowingly accept something hurtful to fulfill my desire for companionship.

Recently, I read an article that asked me..

 

What would I like my life to look like if I never got married?

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It’s an important question because nowhere in the Bible (at least to my knowledge) does God promise marriage on this earth. My relationship with Jesus is supposed to be the source of my contentment, joy, love, and wholeness. I often feel that way. And I know in my mind, based on God’s Word, that looking to a human to give me the love that only Christ gives will lead me to disappointment.

If I know it, why doesn’t that always feel like enough? I still have this longing to be desired and pursued. To be secure in knowing he’s interested in me. That he’s willing to take risks for what – and who – matters to him.

To build life with someone.

To be seen.

I can only take it day by day.
I thought I had an unshakeable, unchanging answer to how I felt about being 27 and single. (“I’m so content with where Jesus has me right now.”)

There are days that statement  rings true for me.

And many days where it doesn’t.

And then other days when I’m so busy I don’t think about it.

Why am I still single at 27? Well. Maybe I’ll start here: I’m not 27 and single.

I’m a musician. I’m an entrepreneur. I pursue justice in health.

A friend. A sister. A daughter.

And I’m 27.

Yours Vulnerably,

Guest Writer

PS. Let’s show our guest some love…Comment! Comment! Comment!

Vulnerabites, Remember, let’s Stay in touch on Instagram , Twitterand Facebook

 

 

21 Comments Add yours

  1. Cee says:

    So many ladies I know are coming to this realisation this right now. I love how we’ve got to a point where we don’t need to be defined by our marital status. Wish every woman could read this. So powerful. Great post! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right! I wish every woman could read this too… Let’s try! Take the baton… pass it on!

      Glad you enjoyed this!

      Like

  2. Clare says:

    A lot of things we worry about is just nothing. In the end, Life is not about us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Clare 🙂

      Like

  3. Clare says:

    A lot a things we worry about is just thing. In the end, Life is no about us.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful post dear 😊😊 Very interesting x x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your welcome lovely 😊😊 x x

        Like

  5. Cay says:

    This was a great feature. Thank you for sharing your heart guest writer.

    You are not alone in this journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  6. Vanessa says:

    I’m also a woman of a certain age who is single as well and not having a problem with it yet others do. I never planned not being married at this age but it is what it is. If I meet someone great, but if not I’m going to keep on keepin on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “…if not I’m going to keep on keepin on.” — and that’s really a good attitude to have! Big Hugs VP!

      Like

  7. Joelle says:

    I love your transparency. I can especially connect with your comment about being too busy to even think about my single state….and the desire to scream at times as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol… Thanks Joelle!

      Like

  8. KayLuv says:

    So, I’m thirty-four steering at thirty-five and not yet married. 70% of the time I’m good, but it’s the pesky 30% moments that really sucks. What triggers the 30% is when I hear a friend or a person I know get engaged (yes, I’m genuinely happy for them, but it’s a reminder that it hasn’t happened for me yet), or when people talk about singleness as if it’s a disease, and when people give advice to just do this, be like this, act like this… Ahhh!!! Sigh… it hurts, especially when you have tried, and still trying. I honestly don’t want to hear statistics of how the older I get…, or stories of how sad it is to be single, I want to hear stories of people who are single and loving it… I want love ones to call and take me out (lol, I’ll pay my way), I just want hope, hope for a joyous life even if it means I never get married. I hear your heart, thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. KayLuv! Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

      “I want love ones to call and take me out (lol, I’ll pay my way), I just want hope, hope for a joyous life even if it means I never get married. ”

      I love the way you put that! That was really good 🙂

      Like

  9. I cant stand when people ask me if im single like being in a relationship is a requirement in life. relationships are great and I do believe marriage can be great as well but we have to be okay with being single. The best way to do that is to spend time with God, our calling, and get busy with our lives. is it easy all the time? of course not, I noticed that with myself, I have to keep busy or I start thinking too much about it. I’m 30 , no man in sight and I’m okay with it, but I also know its not my time yet. But , if you want to meet a man put yourself out there, hit the gym, go to conferences, go to brunches etc etc. In the mean time, just take care of yourself , your man will come . 🙂 WE are amazing with or without a man!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your thoughts Cristal!

      Yes! I agree keeping busy can help! Enjoying life! Traveling, Trying new things, Girl trips, learning new skills… all that is important in singleness.

      Yet, it’s OK to feel the desire to be married. It doesn’t mean one isn’t content in their singleness.

      But in the meantime… We Live 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. knowinglola says:

    Loved this! If it makes you feel better, I am married. And some days, I still have to remind myself: I’m not 29 and married. I’m a writer, a lover, and I pursue my own mental health and creativity and space. A friend, a sister, and daughter too. A mom, and wife, and 29. I have room to grow and flourish, even though some days it feels like I don’t. Sending you all the good vibes. Glad I read this, and glad The Naked Writer brought you to us. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes Lola! Very good take-away! Our relationship status doesn’t define us, it’s only PART of our identities, not ALL of it!

      “I pursue my own mental health.” – I like that. It’s important!

      Thanks for doing the conversation.

      Welcome to the Vulnerable family! We’re glad to have you!

      Liked by 1 person

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