We NEED this in Relationships.

Hey Vulnerabites,

One minute…Let me seal the velcro on my boxing gloves, so this fight can be fair.

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She sent me this long WhatsApp message… I mean, the kind that had the ‘read more’ tab after her 6th paragraph. Taking a very deep breath and squirming at the length of it, I sat down to read it.

In the last year, I’ve had quite a few episodes of ‘friendship confrontations’ … Ouch! And yes, some of them were just as painful as it sounds…. and the truth is, some of those friendships are still in a place of rehabilitation. Yikes!

Yep! I’m going to say it… Hi, my name is Mac and I absolutely love confrontation. Let’s Ggggooooooooo!!!!

She was right! Everything she said was absolutely accurate. Boy did she tell me about myself… and guess what? I loved every minute of it. Thank you, Madam M— mother of God! You know yourself! lol. I know the heart she has for me, so although my default was to respond in a defensive thesis… instead, I apologized to her.

The long and short of it was, I hurt her.

Whether I intended to or not, I did… and that needed to be validated.

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In fact, she opened my eyes to every other ‘good’ friend, I may be unintentionally hurting who probably hasn’t been able to articulate it as eloquently as she did.

The benefits of confrontation can extend beyond you and potentially benefit all of humanity. I always wonder about people with bad attitudes! Like, ‘do you have friends or family who care about you enough to say “your attitude sucks!”?’ 

I’m not pointing fingers, I know I have issues and thank God for the few people who can tell me about myself, even if I don’t receive it the first 50 times…lol

I don’t like the way confrontation makes me feel in the moment…. I love what happens after it… the growing pain is definitely worth the temporary awkwardness.

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There is no way I can have healthy authentic relationships absent of confrontation.

It’s the height of my vulnerability to let someone know when they’ve hurt me…because who wants to be the sensitive weak girl? — and to be able to say “I’m sorry… because who wants to be wrong, right?

Vulnerabites, being able to master the skill of initiating and receiving confrontation has been the saving grace of my relationships… at least the ones I care about. I’m no pioneer of confrontation in every single relationship, every interaction or even every time someone hurts or offends me… because sometimes, I just need to deal with Mac and her own insecurities, independent of external factors. Y’all feel me? OR — the relationship just doesn’t warrant that level of emotional investment. *shrugs*

Talking to Sue about Sally hurting me, doesn’t do anything for my relationship with Sally… in fact, if I’m honest, when I do that, all I’m really looking for Sue to do is, validate my hurt and say “Yeah, Sally was wrong girl. Why she acting crazy?”

It makes me feel good on the surface, but it doesn’t deal with anything. Because, you know what… Sally might do it again and again, and over time, I will grow to resent her and the damage to my emotions, will make it almost impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with her again.

I have to mention that the timing of confrontation is also important. I’d love it if we all did it the moment it happened, but taking time to process is good, because I may find that it’s not even worth the battle.

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BUT… please do not make excuses to avoid confrontation with the line, ‘I just want to keep the peace,’ #rollingmyeyes … because really you’re equating confrontation with going wrong, when in fact, it could go ‘very right.’ We fear that things may get worse, so we’d rather just avoid it all together. BUT WHAT IF THINGS GOT BETTER???

Every single time Bae and I have these hard conversations, we actually get closer!

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“Confrontation is an attempt to restore a relationship.”

-Mike Murdock

It’s my opinion that 3 days is enough time before the event becomes irrelevant and develops into a grudge.  I wish I could find a bible verse that tells me EXACTLY when to confront my loved one… but it only says…

Matthew 18:15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

If you find the scripture that tells us the timing of confrontation… I’d love to hear it 🙂 — Comment below.

My last point, how we confront someone is also important. If I come shouting and accusing, there’s no way that will end well, they will instinctively respond in defensiveness.

I’ve found that it’s helpful for me to say, “I’m not trying to attack you, please excuse me if it’s coming across that way, I just want you to know how your actions have affected me.” Often times, people will apologize (at least those who care about you) because, none of us are intentionally trying to hurt our loved ones… but we do… and that’s ok! We live and we learn.

 

There’s a Forbes article here that offers tips on fearless confrontation, I found it insightful. You might too!

So Vulnerabites, who’s with me? Is there anyone else out there who likes confrontation? Or will at least work on developing the skill?

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

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14 Comments Add yours

  1. Jaylin says:

    Wow this is great! I’m guilty of “protecting my peace” but sometimes doing that doesn’t even really feel peaceful!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Right!!!!!!!! That doesn’t even really feel peaceful—- Ooooo that was good!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Joelle says:

    I totally agree that confrontation is healthy for relationships. I have been on the receiving end of a friend telling me that I offended her. I was quick to apologize, and allowing her to get her point across also let me clarify what I said that offended her.
    Turns out she heard something totally different to what I was trying to say. Had she not confronted me, I would not have known that I had said something that offended. It also would not have allowed me to learn to think about what I am saying and how I am saying it.
    I believe in being open and honest with my friends. If I can’t be open and honest with someone I call friend, then, I don’t need that person in my life…just my two cents.
    Thanks for sharing…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Right exactly! That’s why confrontation is so good! It gives us an opportunity to clear the air if there’s been a misunderstanding!!! Thank you for sharing this experience with us Joelle! Big Hugs ☺️

      Like

  3. KayLuv says:

    This was a great read! Learning the language of communication (especially with hard subjects) is super hard for me because I don’t want to be misunderstood, and for the wound(s) to grow deeper. You’re right, approach is everything, and It’s a language I’m still trying to finesse. I’m grateful for those who challenge me to share my heart even when I fumble my words. It takes courage to be vulnerable… Thanks for teaching me how.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! Yes! Yes! We’re all learning this language! And indeed, it takes lot of courage! Proud of your growth! Big Hugs! 😌

      Like

  4. Da Rasta Hippy says:

    This is such an interesting point of view. I have so much growing and learning to do. My whole life I’ve been avoiding confrontations thinking that was being the bigger person. Sheesh!!!
    Thanks for the eye 👁 opener!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oohhh my dear Rasta Hippy, we all have so much growing and learning to do. — Well sometimes, it does take the bigger person to avoid an “unnecessary” confrontations… but the avoidance that keeps us hurt and resentful are the damaging ones.

      Always happy when I hear people challenged to look at their lives differently.

      Big Hugs!

      Like

  5. I don’t know if we’ve been drinking the same kool-aide or something, Mac, but we are (once again) on the same page! I’m TERRIBLE (or should I say terrified?!) of confrontation and there is no logical reason why. I’ve been devising a blog post about this topic in my head for the last week and a half. There are women in my circle that repeatedly do things to annoy me and they have no idea. In fact, I’m going to have to address it… soon!

    :: Sigh :: This one got to me, Girl. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh that warms my heart… not the ‘annoy you’ part… but the part that challenges you in this direction. Yes girl! Please do tell them, for the sake of the relationship 🙂 Big Hugs to you! I’d love to hear how it goes… thenakedwriterblog@gmail.com … I’ll be on standby!

      Like

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