One minute…Let me seal the velcro on my boxing gloves, so this fight can be fair.
She sent me this long WhatsApp message… I mean, the kind that had the ‘read more’ tab after her 6th paragraph. Taking a very deep breath and squirming at the length of it, I sat down to read it.
In the last year, I’ve had quite a few episodes of ‘friendship confrontations’ … Ouch! And yes, some of them were just as painful as it sounds…. and the truth is, some of those friendships are still in a place of rehabilitation. Yikes!
Yep! I’m going to say it… Hi, my name is Mac and I absolutely love confrontation. Let’s Ggggooooooooo!!!!
She was right! Everything she said was absolutely accurate. Boy did she tell me about myself… and guess what? I loved every minute of it. Thank you, Madam M— mother of God! You know yourself! lol. I know the heart she has for me, so although my default was to respond in a defensive thesis… instead, I apologized to her.
The long and short of it was, I hurt her.
Whether I intended to or not, I did… and that needed to be validated.
In fact, she opened my eyes to every other ‘good’ friend, I may be unintentionally hurting who probably hasn’t been able to articulate it as eloquently as she did.
The benefits of confrontation can extend beyond you and potentially benefit all of humanity. I always wonder about people with bad attitudes! Like, ‘do you have friends or family who care about you enough to say “your attitude sucks!”?’
I’m not pointing fingers, I know I have issues and thank God for the few people who can tell me about myself, even if I don’t receive it the first 50 times…lol
I don’t like the way confrontation makes me feel in the moment…. I love what happens after it… the growing pain is definitely worth the temporary awkwardness.
There is no way I can have healthy authentic relationships absent of confrontation.
It’s the height of my vulnerability to let someone know when they’ve hurt me…because who wants to be the sensitive weak girl? — and to be able to say “I’m sorry… because who wants to be wrong, right?
Vulnerabites, being able to master the skill of initiating and receiving confrontation has been the saving grace of my relationships… at least the ones I care about. I’m no pioneer of confrontation in every single relationship, every interaction or even every time someone hurts or offends me… because sometimes, I just need to deal with Mac and her own insecurities, independent of external factors. Y’all feel me? OR — the relationship just doesn’t warrant that level of emotional investment. *shrugs*
Talking to Sue about Sally hurting me, doesn’t do anything for my relationship with Sally… in fact, if I’m honest, when I do that, all I’m really looking for Sue to do is, validate my hurt and say “Yeah, Sally was wrong girl. Why she acting crazy?”
It makes me feel good on the surface, but it doesn’t deal with anything. Because, you know what… Sally might do it again and again, and over time, I will grow to resent her and the damage to my emotions, will make it almost impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with her again.
I have to mention that the timing of confrontation is also important. I’d love it if we all did it the moment it happened, but taking time to process is good, because I may find that it’s not even worth the battle.
BUT… please do not make excuses to avoid confrontation with the line, ‘I just want to keep the peace,’ #rollingmyeyes … because really you’re equating confrontation with going wrong, when in fact, it could go ‘very right.’ We fear that things may get worse, so we’d rather just avoid it all together. BUT WHAT IF THINGS GOT BETTER???
Every single time Bae and I have these hard conversations, we actually get closer!
“Confrontation is an attempt to restore a relationship.”
It’s my opinion that 3 days is enough time before the event becomes irrelevant and develops into a grudge. I wish I could find a bible verse that tells me EXACTLY when to confront my loved one… but it only says…
Matthew 18:15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.
If you find the scripture that tells us the timing of confrontation… I’d love to hear it 🙂 — Comment below.
My last point, how we confront someone is also important. If I come shouting and accusing, there’s no way that will end well, they will instinctively respond in defensiveness.
I’ve found that it’s helpful for me to say, “I’m not trying to attack you, please excuse me if it’s coming across that way, I just want you to know how your actions have affected me.” Often times, people will apologize (at least those who care about you) because, none of us are intentionally trying to hurt our loved ones… but we do… and that’s ok! We live and we learn.
There’s a Forbes article here that offers tips on fearless confrontation, I found it insightful. You might too!
So Vulnerabites, who’s with me? Is there anyone else out there who likes confrontation? Or will at least work on developing the skill?
The Naked Writer