He Cheated. I Stayed.

Oh Vulnerabites,

I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I knew he was sort of catching this person up on his day… a lot like he would talk to me. I picked up on the shift of his body language, almost as if he was trying to hide his ‘it’s so good to hear from you‘ posture. He hung up.

I pretended not to notice.

We picked our conversation back up where we left off and I could feel my blood seething slowly through the veins of my heart. I was starting to feel betrayed, but I wasn’t sure why. I tried to convince myself that I was just tripping, don’t be that jealous girlfriend Mac. 

But despite the pep talk, jealous girlfriend Mac got the best of me and I asked him, “Sooooo, who were you talking to?” 

‘Oh nobody,’ he responded. Every stereotype of an angry black woman you’ve ever seen in the movies, bust especially the Taraji P Henson in Baby Boy version, had her Oscar wining performance through me that evening.

I grabbed his phone, rolled my neck, smacked my lips and said, “Oh so let me see what nobody is showing up on your call list.” It was his ‘friend’. His female friend, to be exact.

“Why would you lie about talking to her?” I know y’all have a working relationship and how much she was there for you when your mother died, so why wouldn’t you just tell me it was her?

Connect With Me on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

photo-1484347500940-3a373367eb8f

I could not believe what was happening. This b***h had helped me plan your surprise birthday party, and here she was calling you in the late evening to find out how your day went!

OH! (Clap) Hell! (Clap) No! You betta tell me something n***a!

He snatched his phone from me (or rather wrestled me for it) and turned the entire conversation around to make it about me going through his phone. *Classic Cheater Tactic*

I wasn’t having it. We were two months out from our intended wedding date and here he was cheating on me.

Look… I don’t care if they never had sex, kissed, hugged, held hands or whatever. He had opened the door to become emotionally invested in this woman and that was enough for me to feel betrayed.

If I can be honest with you… I knew when he started cheating, but I decided to stay anyway.

Connect With Me on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

1.) When I told him his friendship with this young lady made me uncomfortable and I asked him to choose between me and her, he told me quite deliberately that she wasn’t going anywhere and that I had better learn to live with it. PS. We were engaged.

2.) His youth center had been broken into and vandalized. He was devastated, as his work with youth was the light of his life. He had managed to raise funds and refurnish the center, all without ever letting me know. His excuse, “Oh, I thought I told you.” — Clearly he was sharing life with someone else.

3.) His habits changed. His routine morning phone calls became less and less. Our conversations became superficial and one-sided, he had shut down emotionally. The myth that men don’t talk is a lie, when a man finds a woman he’s decided to let into his heart, you won’t be able to get him to shut up!

Despite the obvious signs of his betrayal, I had made up in my mind that I was going to ‘win him back.’ That I would be the last chick standing. I needed to prove to him (and myself), that I was better than her. What the hell did he see in her anyway?

His infidelity did wonders for my insecurity!!! Ladies, if you think you’re insecure now… try being cheated on!

I could not believe the depth of this pain. He knew everything about me. He knew me more intimately than anyone in my entire life. How could he do this to me? 

I hated her.

I hated everything that he saw in her, that reminded me of what I lacked in myself.

Well, she definitely don’t look better than me, so it ain’t that.  It must be her cooking, he did say he liked her cooking… or maybe she’s more of a home maker than me… or maybe it’s because she was there when his mom died… or maybe it’s because they went to school together… or maybe because she has a better relationship with his family… maybe because of all these years of friendship, she knows things about him that I don’t…or maybe she used some black magic on him… or maybe… or maybe…or maybe.

I stalked her facebook page for any answers to my ‘maybe’ questions… I read all of her captions, comments… I even stalked her friends. What was it about this girl that would cause this man to break his engagement promise?

I may not ever understand why he chose to act out in our relationship, but I do understand the pain of betrayal.

It really really sucks.

Despite how much it hurt, I thought it would hurt more to leave him. I was too embarrassed to deal with ‘a broken engagement.’

photo-1508175749578-259ded3db070

Connect With Me on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

I could never understand why women stayed with men who cheated on them (I thought only girls with low self-esteem would do that, because they don’t like themselves enough to leave.) Ouch Mac! How rude! 

But here I was, with my superficial-high-self-esteem, ready to stay in the relationship, if he would have me. If he would have me? HE cheated… and here I was asking if he would still have me? 

Well, he didn’t have me.

He went on to marry her a year after he dumped me.

Well, at least something came out of his cheating! *shrugs* Ha! #I’mOverItNow #WasntLaughingThen

Oh, how I’ve grown from that experience. I’ve learned that how he acted, had everything to do with him and nothing to do with me.

“When we seek the gaze of another, we aren’t looking for another person as much as we are looking for another self.”

-Esther Perel (An interesting Ted Talk on Rethinking Infidelity)

I’ve also learned that him choosing someone else, does not mean I’m “less than”, it only means his taste was for something different.

About 15 minutes from my home, a man was murdered last Monday.

A husband caught his wife in bed with another man and in his rage, stabbed the man to death. Sigh. It appears, that this wasn’t the first time his wife had been unfaithful… deep breath… if my engaged cheating hurt as bad as it did, I can not imagine the pain of repeatedmarital betrayal.

His wife’s lover is dead and he’s in jail. Nobody wins.

Listen Vulnerabites, there is life after the pain of betrayal.

I know it’s disheartening, it’s embarrassing, its traumatic, its agonizing… I know.

After 7 years of marriage, my friend’s husband cheated on her, multiple times, yet here they are 17 years and 4 baby boys later.

Listen Vulnerabites, there is life after the pain of betrayal.

Being the cheat-im (victim of cheating), I was embarrassed to tell anyone. I somehow felt responsible for his behavior… like there was something I didn’t do that caused him to step out

I sat in my pain alone.

I didn’t want anyone to judge me, or even worse, judge him. I just knew that we would get past this, and I didn’t want anyone turning there noses up at us. Besides, it was our business, no one needed to know.

I convinced myself that I was a ‘strong black women’, all men do it and I needed to learn how to live in this ‘grown woman’ reality. After all he was a ‘good man’, he had just made a mistake. I would rather have this fallen man, than no man at all.

Oh Vulnerabites… if you haven’t felt this form of violation, I pray that you never do… it hurts really really bad.

But, I promise you… there is life after the pain of betrayal.

I can tell you that although I no longer feel the pain of that betrayal, I have developed a heightened sensitivity to things that didn’t bother me before it happened. I’m learning to be intentional in my self awareness, and doing my best not to transfer the wrath of those tender places to my innocent husbae. The glove doesn’t fit him, so he is free like OJ!

Connect With Me on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

So tell me Vulnerabites, have you recovered from infidelity in your own relationship? or know of anyone who has?

Whether you’ve been through it or not, how would you advise someone to handle infidelity in their relationship?

As Always…

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

23 Comments Add yours

  1. Girl… Not the Taraji from baby boy anger…lol but infidelity is a very hard pill to swallow. I’ve been there a couple of times and had the same mindframe as you wondering what this b*tch had on me that made him want her more. It is crazy how when a man cheats a woman becomes insecure. She can be so secure with whom she is and what she stands for then boom she’s questioning who she is; in the words of Cardi B “You got me looking in the mirror different. Thinking I’m flaw because you inconsistent.”

    I think I want to do a survey on why men cheat. It’s still unclear because they can have it all and still cheat.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “It is crazy how when a man cheats a woman becomes insecure.” —– You have said something really profound Quetia! You are absolutely right!!!! And it took me a while to not ‘blame myself’ for HIS actions. OOhh mmyy how hindsight is 20-20, but when I was in it… All I could think of was all the places I fell short that “pushed” him to her.

      A survey? I’d definitely be interested in reading that blog! I wonder if there isn’t already some research findings on that to give you a head start.

      Keep me posted if you decide to do that survey, so we can send one to my ex…lol… NOT! JK.

      Like

      1. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

        Liked by 1 person

        1. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA 🙂

          Like

  2. Oh Wow! I really don’t know where to start – but I am definitely a new subscriber for sure, so I’ll start there. This piece was both moving and unsettling – infidelity is a hard pill to swallow when you’re in it and I don’t know if we’ll ever know why men or women for that matter cheat, however; as the person being cheated on, like the character it does make you feel insecure and wonder; where did I go wrong, what do they have that I don’t and so forth. But as you stated, it’s not the individual’s fault that’s being cheated on, it’s the person that’s doing the cheating and I guess them trying to figure out what they really want, in which would be nice to have all that figured out BEFORE you got with the person, let’s save a few hearts okay?….but anyway, this was a great read and in the end; I’m glad she felt comfortable with her decision.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Roshonda!!! Thanks for subscribing!!! Glad to have you! —- You’re officially a Vulnerabite ❤️ Welcome!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉 Yep! His cheating definitely tapped into MY insecurities … lol… this is no fictional character 😎 All stories shared, unless otherwise noted as guest writers, are all excerpts from my own personal life ☺️❤️ My decision? I didn’t have a choice in the matter, homeboy kicked me to the curb! 😂 It’s so good to hear from you! Hope you’ll be back again soon 😎

      Like

  3. Well, I don’t know if they ever did or not, seeing that he didn’t volunteer any information, only lied about who he was talking to… if they were married a year later, who knows how far their relations had progressed at that point. I hear you on wanting to ‘F’ him up…lol. TRUST ME. Lol… Thanks for reading Alicia 🙂 Always good to hear from you!

    Like

  4. That was very deep and I was totally hooked from start to finish. What a complete bastard. Why do they cheat? You are right… I would feel cheated too even if he didn’t kiss, hug or slept together. It’s like you said, once they have opened that door to become emotionally involved…. that’s it! I’m glad you learnt lessons from it in the end rather than letting it ruin you.
    I am very very vindictive, so I would want to utterly fuck someone up… 😂 but probably not wise as I could end up in jail like that guy. Such an inspiring post. Thank YOU for sharing such deep secrets!! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Queen Jazze says:

    I loved this. The quotes and everything. So much raw emotion. I can’t say that I’ve really dealt with infidelity in a serious relationship. I’ve experienced it in a new relationship that I wasn’t completely invested in, so it didn’t hurt me much. But I love your style of writing, so deep and passionate. Loved this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Queen! Consider yourself blessed to never have had this experience. I don’t wish it on anyone—- not even him who did it to me 😒. Thanks for popping in! Glad to have you ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks for keeping it real! Women who have relationships with eating men usually feel its aftershock in their future relationships. They have trust issues for years after and sometimes, if it’s not managed, it can prevent them from being in fulfilling relationships. How did you get through it with your self-esteem in tact and the ability to find love again?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Yaa Yaa! Always glad to have you boo 🙂 …. UUmmm that question will have me writing another blog…lol. I’ll have to chew on that question. I want to keep from giving you a one word answer like “JESUS!” lol… But very good question!

      Like

  7. Jasmine says:

    Oh wow. That was a good one. Thanks for sharing your truth. And yes, yes, and yes. I’ve dealt with it and thank God for it. I am a better person because of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A good one? All my blogs good…lol. JK (not really)… No seriously, I get you.

      Im better because I survived it too, but I could’ve gotten better without that kind of pain. Ya dig? lol

      Like

  8. Dina says:

    When someone cheats it’s really about the cheater and not the “cheat-im”. It could be a wide variety of things like communicating, curiosity, connection, mistreated, etc. And sometimes that person always knew they had a deep connection with someone else but tried to hide it until that someone else became available. Sometimes staying can work out but it only works when both parties are willing to do the work. I never judge those who stay after they’ve been cheated on but if he/she cheats over and over again it’s on you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes girl… Cheating is definitely about the other person, BUT doesn’t take away the pain and the temptation to blame one-self. But I hear you.

      I agree with you. A relationship can indeed work after cheating, but like you said BOTH PEOPLE (really the cheater..lol.. cuz they messed it up)have to be willing to put in the work.

      Petit…sigh…smh

      This cheating thing….smh

      Like

  9. I believe you when you said it really really hurts to be cheated on. When a man cheats, it only means he would rather be with that other person than with you. That’s such a blow to anyone’s self-esteem, when the person you love would rather be with someone else. The sad fact these days is that some married men have become such seasoned cheaters. They use social media and texting and some of them cheaters I know don’t even get caught by their poor clueless wives. Then they call their wives/kids and act as if everything is normal, and their poor families are none the wiser. I’m like, WTF right? So, I better not see anything weird about my man’s routine and he better not give off any kind of weird vibe at any given time because I will not be cheated on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, let me say… Welcome New Vulnerabite! So glad to have you 🙂

      Now…
      “That’s such a blow to anyone’s self-esteem, when the person you love would rather be with someone else.” — You hit the nail on the head Frances!

      Girl… there are levels to infidelity and you bring up sssuuuucccchhhhh a good point with social media… That is indeed adding to the ease and temptation to be unfaithful. He could never talk to her, but just be liking all her pictures or even just lusting after her pictures without ever liking a single one. Tsk Tsk Tsk….

      I don’t have any words for that one. But very good point girl!

      Thanks for sharing your perspective… definitely added some juice to the conversation…lol!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the warm welcome! Glad to be a Vulnerabite, your blog is such a good read especially for us women who don’t want to take crap but wonder why sometimes we do lol. Looking forward to reading your posts!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks so much Frances! Means a lot!

          Liked by 1 person

  10. Joelle says:

    I can imagine the pain..I have been betrayed, although never cheated on.
    I can respect the decision that some women, and men, make to stay with someone who cheated on him/her in order to keep his/her family together. And like you said, there are a variety of other reasons why people stay with a cheater. Could I do it? I don’t think so.
    Cheating means only one thing to me…you don’t care if I live or die. The person you are cheating with could have a deadly disease or be crazy. I shouldn’t die because you can’t keep it in your pants.
    I think I would be devastated because the idea that someone I love is trying to kill me is more than I could get past, but I don’t know if my anger would allow me to feel the hurt.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aawww man! So Sorry for your betrayal Joelle. Sigh. Thanks for sharing that with us!

      I couldn’t help but laugh when I read “Cheating means only one thing to me…you don’t care if I live or die. ” — Like wow! That was deep. LoL. In this case, they don’t care about themselves either, because they’ll carry the disease themselves before bringing it home to you. Not really funny though. It’s a life altering decision that can completely change the trajectory of someone else’s life. Smh. So I feel you. This Life petit….sigh.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s