Bad Friendships are Good for Marriage.

Hey Vulnerabites,

If there’s anything I love more than sharing life, it’s when y’all talk back and ask for more!

If you’re new here, so glad to have you. Remember to subscribe!

I don’t mean to talk about marriage as often as I have, but for some reason or another, y’all are lapping it up! I mean, my Marriage Celebration post has the most engagement of all my posts!— and that one about married people and single friends got some talk back too! All I can hear in my head is, “Give the people what they want!”

IMG_1595 (Shane Leacock's conflicted copy 2018-02-09)_preview

Let’s Connect on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

With that being said, as a spin off from my last post, a Vulnerabite asked me “What are some things you did as a single woman to prepare you for marriage?”

I replied, “Good idea!” — But then I was like, “hhmmm, that question is more thought provoking than it appears.” So, let me offer some clarity around that question… I can’t say there was anything I did deliberately for my marriage, but now that I’m married, I can look back and say, “Hmm, girl Mac, I’m glad you did that!”

So here goes my top 3…

  1. Screw Her. — Y’all already know that marriage has a 53% failure rate and that usually boils down to the MOOLA!!! It’s been theeee best thing for my life (and by default my marriage) to learn how to manage my money and how to save it!!! Ms.McCullough has called me cheap! But screw her! I prefer money in my pocket than someone else’s!  I have very few financial priorities outside of traveling 🙂 So no I’m not the shopaholic, fancy dining , luxury car Real Housewife of Atlanta, nor do I have Kandi’s kinda money! Yet! You feel me?

Let’s Connect on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

2. That Big Comfy Couch. Who remembers that show? Did I just age myself?  I woke up at 4am in crocodile tears over this fling of a relationship wwaayyy after it was over (hadn’t met the husbae yet), I called my Life Group leader and was like, “I.Need.Help.” I went to see a therapist y’all! Yyyaaaaaasssss!!! We worked through the root of my rejection and why my failed relationship still hurt long after it had ended … and of course, like pulling something out of the trash, some other gunky stuff came out with it, and we dealt with all that too. I wasn’t on her big comfy couch every week, but I did have periodic check-ins up and in marriage I keep my self-awareness tools well oiled. If husbae says/does something that hurts me in a way beyond what the action warrants, I ask myself, “What is this experience triggering in me and why does it hurt?” I don’t ‘brush off emotions’. I don’t act like “I don’t care”. I don’t ignore my feelings. I let them surface and I deal with them. 

IMG_1100_preview

3. Girl, Bye!>!>. Keep your “bad” friendships. I’m not talking about the friend who’s always hitting you up for money, draining the life out of you and offers nothing that is mutually beneficial to the relationship… I’m talking about the friends who are different from you and make you ‘uncomfortable.’ Learning to talk through things when your personalities rub each other the wrong way — Oh my what a concept!— will immediately give you a “Pass Go, Collect $200” monopoly card into 10 years of marriage! Like seriously. Get into some disagreements with your friends— humble yourself, put the pride aside, say I’m sorry, forgive her again, learn to let it go fast, recognize the part your-perfect-little-self played in that mess— and learn to reconcile. This my friends, is a skill that will be the saving grace for your marriage.

Let’s Connect on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

I often hesitate to share these ‘marital insights’ as I’m still “wet behind the ears” and never want to come across as a “know-it-all”. These thoughts are from my experiences and  do not express the views of all married people.

So, Vulnerabites… if you’re single, what are some things you’re deliberately doing to prepare for your marriage?

If you’re married, what did you do in your singleness that’s  been good for your marriage?

Yours Vulnerably,

signature-4

Looking forward to the talk back in the comments! And if you’re new here, don’t forget to subscribe! If you like what you’ve read… Share. Share. Share.

Let’s Connect on Instagram , Twitter and Facebook

 

49 Comments Add yours

    1. Oh Quetia, I’m soooo touched!!! This was my first blog award, and I remember how I excited I was when I received it a few months ago, here’s the link to that blog (https://thenakedwriterblog.com/2017/12/30/mama-i-made-it/) … but I’m happy to still respond to your questions in your comment section 🙂 Thank You Quetia! Warm Hugs!

      Like

      1. 🤗 thank you. You’re so humble!!!

        Like

  1. Hey Girl!!! Okay, so like I’m sooooooo sorry that I’m just getting over to read this – had a big event and life got truly crazy but I’m bacccckkkk! So, I am currently single and can truly say that the thing I’m doing to prepare for marriage are a couple of things.

    1. Keeping the cookie jar on lock down – I decided that when I wanted to become intentionally single, that I wasn’t going to be giving everybody a cookie until my mate shows up. I want to keep myself for him – No, unfortunately I’m not a virgin butttt I don’t want to have another man’s scent, parts or anything in or on me when he does come – so I’m saving myself for truly THE ONE and not everyone…ya feel me?

    2. Working on me – just keeping my focus on things that I need to change within myself and you’re so right about those finances – that’s slowly coming together, not as fast as I would like but I’m working on it because I realized, I want to attract a man with a savings and therefore that means that I have to have one too and I’m working on other things – trying to gut out any past hurts or residue from the past.

    3. Enjoying this time – I’m seriously enjoying this time of being single and having and perfecting my relationship with God. Paul said that I learned to be content, no matter what stage I’m in and that’s what I’m doing – just loving being me, loving the skin I’m in and loving the freedom of being able to do what I want to do. Being satisfied with having God at the forefront and not a game piece that I constantly move when I feel like a man is about to approach me or coming my way.

    Those are just a few things – but I loved your post and your tips!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow Rhoshonda! Girl, you just wrote a sequel to my blog…lol… I love it!

      1.) I literally stopped to think about “don’t want to have another man’s scent, parts or anything in or on me when he does come” — I’m like, wow. Very interesting perspective and I’m diggin it 🙂

      2.) Yep! Save them coins boo, you will NOT regret it 🙂 and the ‘residue parts’ — girl, we’ll all be doing that for the rest of our lives, as we get rid of that childhood residue, we get new residue from just living…. but it helps to get into a relationship with LESS of it…lol

      3.) Indeed! Enjoy the time! Best thing I did was create good memories with my loved ones! Singleness is a great time to build good friendships and work on family relationships too!

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts Roshsonda! Really enjoy hearing from you, as you really chew on my thoughts and then add yours to the conversation… love that!!!

      Hope you’ve recovered from your event and the ‘life got crazy’ part 🙂 Welcome Back! Glad to have you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL LOL!!! to the sequel part. Yesssss, honey I got save those coins and I’m making the best of my singleness journey. I’ve recovered and planning to do another one….smh….I love your stories, they are so real and of course I love the fact that we can be transparent and vulnerable as well – in which is what I push myself. Hope you’re having a great Day!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh Roshonda, you’re pulling at my heart strings with comments like “I love the fact that we can be transparent and vulnerable ” — That’s exactly the community I want to foster among my Vulnerabites, thank you for being a part of my vision 🙂

          Warm Hugs to you!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I’m glad I am, thank you for finding me…..God always knows. xoxo

            Like

  2. I’m not sure that I’ll get married again, but one serious thing that I’m doing now to prepare for future relationships is keeping my interests/passions alive while I’m in a relationship. I’m always working on tons of projects and enjoying my life, but I’ve found in the past that my dating someone tends to result in me putting my stuff aside for theirs. It’s not even like they ask. I just want to be in their world and end up neglecting my own; then I feel unaccomplished and sad like I don’t have as much to offer them as they offer me. So knowing that about myself, I’m determined to love what I do and not sacrifice it. My feeling fulfilled can only help me be a stronger, happier, more interesting partner. Okay, not gonna lie, I felt vulnerable typing this comment, but I need more of it in my life. xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Not get married again? Wow. Thanks for sharing that you were married 🙂 I have so many questions around that, but I’ll savor this moment.

      “my dating someone tends to result in me putting my stuff aside for theirs.” – Yep! I can see that “losing myself” gremlin creeping into marriage, as there is this entire human being that has literally infused him/herself into the life we’ve spent our 20s and 30s creating, and as much as we love each other, we are also DIFFERENT people.

      Yes, being fulfilled makes us more interesting people 🙂

      Hey, if you’re gonna type vulnerably anywhere… this is the space for it! Come back again 🙂

      Like

  3. Reading your number 2… Im still working on allowing myseld to feel those emotions and deal with them at that time… I hold things in amd it builds and builds then I look crazy when my top pops and I burst into anger. Almost 4 years married and it’s still tough. I would say before marriage I did not prepare for it honestly. I didn’t know how to prepare for it. Unfortunately the only marriages I’ve seen was my brothers but I was away at school and really didn’t see too much. I will take heed to advice number 2. I have nothing to lose. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Journie! So glad to have you with us! Welcome my newest Vulnerabite 🙂 Yes! #2 was one of theee best decisions, there are some things we pick up based on what we saw (or didn’t see) growing up… and some other “weaknesses” that come with our personality that tend to show themselves across the board in all of our relationships. I have to commend you on recognizing your ‘place of growth’… I gotta tell you, that’s half the battle honey! And PS. It’s never too late to start #2, with and without the husbae 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you!!! It took a while for me to acknowledge but im here 😁

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Big Hugs! Is it ok to call you Journie? Do you prefer something else?

          Like

          1. Journie is actually my daughters name lol. I based my blogger name off of her because after giving birth I feel like I became more of the woman I’ve wanted to be. My name is Quetia (QUI-TA). XOXOX

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Hahhaaa… That girl included a pronunciation key code!!! Lol… LOVE IT!!!! Because I would’ve definitely pronounced that as (Kwee-Sha)! Nice to meet you Quetia! Big Hugs 🙂

              Like

  4. Jaylin says:

    First! I think everyone knows about the comfy couch show lol!! Second I like how you are open about talking to a therapist! Third marriage scares me 😓

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol… do they?

      2nd — Yes ma’am! I am open about therapy with much intentionality, because we’ve been taught “we” don’t do “that”… cuz we are “strong”, so we don’t need “help.” — and that’s part of the problem, this aversion to professional counseling.

      3rd — I’m sure Number 2 could give you some insight on your fears and help you work through them, if marriage is something you desire 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Jaylin just to feed off of your comment abouy marriage being scary… it’s really not. I think it’s the unknown of staying married. Nobody wants to get married then 2-3 years later, 90 days nowadays, they’re divorce. Marriage is a complex unity however. If it’s meant for you I’m sure you will be an amazing wife to a loving husband 💞

      Liked by 2 people

      1. AAwww!! Tear! Tear! Tear! Love it when my Vulnerabites talk to each other! Yes! I echo Journie’s sentiments… the ‘unknown of staying married’ is definitely more alarming than marriage itself 🙂 Good Point Journie!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Jaylin says:

        You hit the nail on the head! The “unknown” is definitely something that makes me anxious 😓 but you’re right I’ll keep a positive attitude about it 💗 thank you!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Mmhh HHmmm… and while you’re doing that, I encourage you to explore your fears out loud honestly, don’t just throw them under the rug of “positive attitude” Please 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Jaylin says:

            Will do 💗

            Liked by 1 person

  5. driftyness says:

    Ooh, Mac! I’m loving these relationship posts! None of that generic relationship advice–you dig into your own experiences and I always feel like I’m learning something new. I hadn’t thought about the “bad friendships” thing, or the finances thing, but you were right on the money there (pun intended?).

    You’ve really got me thinking when it comes to singleness and relationships. My approach has largely been that relationships are things that “just happen,” but reading your posts is making me realize that I need to strategize for them.

    That being said, I suppose I’m doing things to “prepare” for marriage, even though I don’t think about them that way. Trying to learn about my faith and grow spiritually is one, managing my money is another, setting myself up to have a full life on my own is yet another, and I think dating different guys and thinking about what I really want counts as preparation too.

    Being strategically single is hard though, sometimes I’d rather just float along and let things happen however they may. 😛

    P.S. Love the community you’ve cultivated here. I look forward to reading the comments as much as I look forward to reading your posts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my darling drifty! I somehow have adopted you in mind as a little sister! Hope you don’t mind…lol.

      “None of that generic relationship advice–you dig into your own experiences” — YYYAAAAASSSSS!!!! You have coined my intent of sharing so precisely! I love it! You get me!

      So, you say something interesting, there’s this culture that “loves all things relationships” … but its also the same one that tells us “don’t think about it, it’ll just happen”… funny enough, we don’t do that with ANY OTHER PART OF OUR LIVES… just this part! So, yes… I think ‘strategically’ becoming a better you, is a nice way to be ‘intentional’ about the person you bring into a relationship (a friendship too).

      Oh and yes… that spiritual growth part … you’ll need a whole lot of grace and forgiveness for ANY relationship… After all, we can only give what we have, so the better we embrace it from Christ, the easier it becomes to extend to others! I’m proud of you and the intentionality in that part of your life!

      PS. I’m loving this community too! Trying to expand it with more activity in my IG stories — hint hint! Y’all really do warm my heart when you engage with me! And yes me too… I look forward to the comments! lol It’s my favorite part 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. driftyness says:

        I don’t mind, I always wanted a big sister…so now I’m just gathering them on the internet. LOL

        We plan for careers, retirement, etc. I wish they taught us about relationships in school.

        I love the way you incorporate your faith into your approach to relationships. I fully believe what you’re saying – kind of letting that love from & for Christ overflow into other things.

        I have yet to figure out how IG stories work , but I’ll give yours a try!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Gathering them on the internet….lol… The only part that sucks about that is not being able to wear each other’s clothes… or maybe that’s the good part…lol

          “…kind of letting that love FROM Christ overflow into other things.” Yes, from Him. We can only give what we have 🙂

          Thanks boo! I’ll look for you on the gram. lol

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Jasmine says:

    Working through bad misconceptions that will not work in marriage (e.g. submission, forget but never forget). Those were big ones for me..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mmmhhhhhh good ones! Thanks for sharing sis ☺️❤️

      Like

  7. TD says:

    “Milk behind the ears” and all, you’re martial insight is highly appreciated! 🙌🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aaaawwww! That means a lot! Thanks TD! I’m trying 😌

      Like

  8. Joelle says:

    Woo! Lady, you hit on some tough ones for me. I’m going to put it out there…learning how to forgive was a big one for me. My experience with people saying and teaching about forgiveness is smiling in the person’s face when you haven’t dealt with the emotions. So when you mentioned feeling your emotions and dealing with them, that hit home for me because true forgiveness can’t begin until we have dealt with the emotions brought up by the situation.
    Learning to manage money…man..that one was tough because I was of the mindset, you can’t take it with you when you die, so use it now. As my bestie always says…balance..
    Thanks for always sharing, because these insights help in my personal growth and development.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yyyeesss that’s right! True forgiveness absolutely can not happen until we acknowledge that’s we’ve been offended. That ‘suppressing feelings’ stuff will blow up in a marriage! Never a good idea 🙂

      Girl, I’m always looking at myself in awe that I am the one sharing money management tips because I was of the EXACT same mindset! 😎🤑 YOLO!!!

      Oohh Joelle, so happy I could sprinkle a little insight into your encyclopedia mind… lol 😆Love you girl! 💙

      Like

  9. Vanessa says:

    Not doing anything to prepare for marriage. I figure it’s like having children, you will figure it out when it happens.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bahahahahaaaaa!!!!! You literally crack me up! You were just the comedic relief I needed…lol.

      Oh INDEED, you will figure it out! lol

      But I think even women who get pregnant, do SOME reading before their due date OR they involuntarily get advice from the older women around them…lol

      But yes, even if none of that happens… you will figure it out 🙂

      Like

  10. Definitely dealing with all my abandonment and rejection issues. Learning to forgive. Get my money in order . Be slow to anger . I don’t think I will ever be ready for marriage because I know it will challenge me in more ways than one, but i am focused on becoming the best version of me which I know would make me a better wife/mother. Thanks for this post !! Sometimes we just want a man and don’t think about how much work it takes to actually keep a marriage going .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Cristal! Honey! “i am focused on becoming the best version of me” — honestly, this was my heart all through singleness… just trying to be a better Mac for myself and the people around me! And like you’ve said, by default of being a better ‘you’ .. you’re a better ‘insert title here’.

      And yes, it doesn’t matter how much we ‘prepare’, marriage will still challenge us… because what we’ve learned will move from theory to practical application — and we all know how that can be 🙂

      Looking forward to journeying with you through this season 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Okay, I just found your blog and my girl I am already in LOVE. I cannot tell you how much I agree with the “bad friend” advice; I am by no means close to marriage, but honestly learning to put aside your pride and understand other people’s perspectives and just conflict manage is genuinely such a valuable skill in life xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Crystal! So glad to have you! Welcome Vulnerabite 🙂

      And yes… learning “to put aside your pride and understand other people’s perspectives and just conflict manage ” is indeed not just a marriage skill, but a LIFE SKILL! A skill we need to be able to navigate ANY of our relationships, right?

      Glad to have your thoughts on the blog!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I love love LOVED this post!! You always drop gems that are much needed for me at the present moment!! What did I do in my singleness? I honestly have no clue! My husband and I were together 6 years before we got married. I know one thing I had to work on to help with my marriage was to be more open and be more dependent. I’m used to it just being me and being so independent that sometimes I just carry on and my husband is clueless or I’m used to doing it all myself that I don’t ask for help. Marriage is a team effort so I had to work on being a team player.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OOoooo Yes Tati! This is why I love hearing back from Vulnerabites, because there’s always another good point that I totally miss — and that my friend, is a good one!

      Transitioning from being single and doing it all yourself, to now playing on a team… yes… that needs great intentionality!

      Thank you for bringing up that point! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. You’re always so great with titling your posts. They’re always so catchy and innovative.

    I read this post while my husband and I were driving and I asked him to tell me a quality that he loved about me that was cultivated before we met. He’s thinking about it, but I thought of a few almost immediately.

    When my husband and I met, I was HUSTLING. My day started at 5am with me at my computer for my side job (we’ll call that job 2). I’d work for about 1.5 hours until it was time to get dressed and prepare for Job 2. I’d take a shower and get dressed; drive 1.5 hours to my main job. On breaks, I’d take calls for Job 2. After the main job ended, I’d go to a local Starbucks and work for Job 2 for 3 more hours and then head home. It was a grueling schedule but now that I reflect, my husbae found my hustle admirable.

    The other thing he found impressive about me is my appreciation for his culture. I can’t say that I did this intentionally, but I really ENJOYED my single life. And with that, came new experiences and insights and travels. I worked in Nigeria in my early twenties and learned so much about the culture. When we met, my husbae really appreciated the fact that I liked eating his native dishes and dancing to Nigerian music. He found my enthusiasm for his culture endearing.

    The final thing I would say is that he was really attracted to my compassion and heart for people. I’m not sure how that was cultivated and I did not intentionally work on that, but he’d say that is the #1 he loves about me.

    So, to answer your question. I don’t really like to say what people should work on to get a mate. Simply ENJOY every season that you’re in. If you’re single, date, try new things, learn new languages, be interesting! Men like interesting. And finally, I’d say pursue your dreams. That makes you a passionate person and great men love women who have something fun and interesting to talk about – something that makes her come alive.

    Just my two cents. Not that I know anything, I’m still wet behind the ears myself lol

    Great post!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hey Yaa Yaa! Yes! I do try to be intentional with my titles.. glad they’re working…lol

      Thanks so much for sharing all that yummy insight! I have to echo your sentiments around ‘being interesting’…. I mean, not just for marriage, but don’t we all want interesting friends too? People who are out there trying to do something with their lives! lol Great Point there!

      And yes… enjoying every season is also key 🙂

      Definitely pursuing our dreams does generate some passion in us! Even as I talk about my dreams for the Vulnerabite community, it’s with such passion 🙂

      And two cents? Girl that was more like 50 cents!!! Lol.

      Thanks for always sharing your thoughts Yaa!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Dina says:

    This is an amazing read! You’re definitely right on the money. So many people reject the idea of seeing a therapist but that is what will help you figure things out. But when you said keep your “bad friend” I was like giiiirrrrllll lol. And there’s truth to that. I feel like it keeps you sharp and helps you deal with difficult situations. Thanks for sharing. So insightful!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! Learning to deal with difficult situations is a good skill to have! Marriage will be full of opportunities to grow that skill… Hahahhaaa! And the therapist thing? Not sure why it’s such a stigma, seeing that we are in the most addicted, sleep deprived and depressed generation of all time… sounds like a good set-up for counseling to me 🙂

      Like

  15. FriendsofFern says:

    One piece of advice I’ve heard and am learning to practice is to focus on building relationship with the men in my life; for me that would be my father, brothers, supervisors, pastors, cousins, friends, and coworkers. I am being deliberate about learning how to listen to men and not being the know it all in all situations. Letting them know that I want to hear their opinion and giving them opportunities to lead. I am learning that men do think and respond differently to women (this is a generalization) and it’s okay for me to still be a strong minded, independent women who does not need to “wear the pants”.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. MMhhh… Yes! That’s a good one! Giving them opportunities to lead! Yes! Very good practice to have. I too fall in the ‘strong personality’ bunch and that does show up in marriage. Very good deliberate action steps! Proud of you girl. Thanks for sharing and keep it up!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s