Should I Tell Friends My Husband Cheated?

Hey Vulnerabites!

We exchanged messages for about 2 hours before we decided that it’s best she not bring up the real issue with this woman again and resolve the new state of their friendship with a casual acquaintance.

Now, y’all know I’m a firm believer in confrontation  —at least if you care about the relationship— but quite frankly, there was no way she could have a conversation with this woman without violating the privacy of a discussion with her husband.

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Let’s Connect on Instagram @YoursVulnerably

Aahhh— which brings me into what I really want to talk about… How do I balance discussing my marriage with friends, without feeling like I’m unpeeling my banana — you know— uncovering my husband’s own life that is so deeply intertwined into mine?

I’ve experienced two sides to this dilemma with my married friends…

1. I get the — “Whew child! Glad you married now.” — These wives are a lot more relaxed in their spousal discussions with me, now that I’m married.

—And—

2. I also get the — “Yeah, girl. We good, but you know marriage is work.” — That tight lip response that doesn’t really say anything at all.

See, I don’t have a best friend (even though I want one — any takers?) so, I don’t have a singular person that I dump all my joys and tears on anyway— I’m talking outside of the husbae — although Dream Team is holding it down with me in the everyday.

Do married women talk openly about their marriages? Is the inside scoop only accessible to her best friend?

Let’s Connect on Instagram @YoursVulnerably

In my two hours of marriage, I’m not finding wives who share vulnerably enough from their experiences, which in turn — influences me to curl up into my own privacy circle.

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I can speak for myself and say that my openness about marriage is guided by:

1. Will this indirectly reveal my husband’s private life? My friends are not his friends. Just because I’m comfortable sharing certain things about my own life with Sally, it doesn’t mean he also wants Sally to know that about him.

But this is sooo hard, because what if it’s something like infidelity — something too painful to carry alone… yet there’s no way to share that pain with a friend without simultaneously exposing his shortcomings.

Should I tell friends my husband cheated? What’s a girl to do? <I look forward to your comments.>

2.  Will this disagreement/experience blow over tomorrow? Some tensions don’t even make it to bedtime and aren’t worth mentioning to a third party.

3.  Will this experience be insightful to those who hear it? I don’t want to ramble on about my marriage without any real intention behind sharing.

Yet! Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest and I don’t care if there’s even anything to be learned from it. #JustSayin 

Or maybe it’s an opportunity to process with a friend how I’m growing through an uncomfortable experience.

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4. Will this make my husband look bad? I love my husband unconditionally. So, even if he’s a jerk today, I’ll love him tomorrow, but you won’t. 

5. Will this defer me from speaking directly to my husband? Sometimes talking to our girls about an issue, gives us the relief of getting it off our chest and so we don’t feel a need to address it with the husbae.

Mmhh… not sure that’s the best way to deal with it— but talking to your girlfriend can also make you realize, “Boo, you tripping! Let it go!” #CaseByCase

Now that I’ve set out all these guidelines, there’s nothing left for me to say about my husband other than, “he’s great!” Which is the very thing that I’m speaking out against in this blog.

Here’s where I need you Vulnerabites…

How do we talk about the hard places in our marriages that:

  • violate his private life
  • won’t blow over in a day
  • nothing insightful to learn
  • he will look bad
  • and maybe I’m sick of talking to him about it

…so that we’re not living in this bubble of pain, festering on the inside and only speaking about it when we’re telling friends that we’re on the brink of getting divorced?

Don’t shut me up by throwing marriage counseling on the table. Although it’s an excellent option, most couples don’t want to spend the money or time to do it if things aren’t ‘that bad.’ I want solutions for how we can be open as a community so things don’t have to get “that bad!”

Again, my question is … how can I talk about marriage in a way that preserves the intimacy of it — But — vulnerably enough so that I’m not suffering in silence?

I’m listening…

Ps. Remember to subscribe 🙂

Yours Vulnerably,

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70 Comments Add yours

  1. Ash says:

    WOW that question was so interesting at the end. I totally feel this dilemma. I’m not married but I have a huge problem with sharing details of my relationship when bad things happen to my friends. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I believe some things should be left private but I also think apart of why I feel that way is because oversharing makes me feel vulnerable. but i recognised that It’s sooo important we talk about how hurt we are to others. If our partners cheat or we suspect it, we need to talk about it because sometimes we can get so caught up in a bubble of our relationships that we devalue ourselves and our worth. Friends are great reminders of our worth and affirming who we know ourselves to be. I can’t say how we strike the balance but we have to create one in a way that does not normalise the silencing of mistreatment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Ash! Let me start by welcoming you to the Vulnerabite family! It really is so good to have you 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

      You pretty much wrapped up my thoughts with this statement “I can’t say how we strike the balance but we have to create one in a way that does not normalise the silencing of mistreatment.” —- Right! We have to redefine the current ‘how much of your relationship to share’ template — because too many people are suffering in silence. I am always thinking about how I can make myself a safe space for my loved ones — a place where they won’t feel judged, we tend to judge ourselves harder than anyone else anyway. But I find that when i feel safe in a ‘judgement free zone’ I’m more likely to share more ‘vulnerably.’ — You feel me?

      Thanks for your thoughts. Gave me something else to reflect on 🙂

      Like

  2. driftyness says:

    Wow, Mac! Have you ever thought of being a coach of some sort? I’m definitely getting that vibe from you.

    I don’t feel like I can contribute much to this as a single person, but I will agree with what others have said here, which is that it’s often easier to talk to someone who can’t relate. I’d take that a step further and say it’s often easier to talk to empathetic strangers in a safe space than it is people in our lives. I don’t really know the psychology behind it, but I imagine strangers aren’t really invested in us (and neither are we in them) so we can focus on sharing our thoughts and feelings instead of having to try to manage their emotional reactions to what we tell them as well as any possible fallout from that. I think the comment section on this post (and all of your others that I’ve seen) is a good example of that.

    I read in one of your comments here that you thought about doing Vulnerabite experiences. I think they’d probably do well because of the stranger-safe environment factor. It made me think about a kind of retreat experience that Life Coach Shawn (on YouTube) was doing a while back.

    Excited to see where this takes you. Great post as usual and you’re absolutely killing it with your community building/comments section! Teach me your ways!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Lil Sis Drifty!!! You got some wisdom and this 20-something life of yours… hmm…. This comment right here ” instead of having to try to manage their emotional reactions” —- DROP THE DAMN MIC!!! YYYyaaaaassssss!!!! When we share with people, we want to tell them how to respond too — especially when we know them, because we’ll have to continue to interact with them after the conversation, right? OMG… that was good. Thank You.

      Life Coach>!>! Hahaha… it’s in my thoughts— but not to actually people, but as a first step to getting certified in vulnerability research.

      As for Life Coach Shawn, I’ll check her out.

      PS. Don’t ever discount your perspective because you’re not ‘in’ a situation. Even if you can’t offer thoughts as a wife, it could be as a friend/family member hearing from a wife.

      Thanks for joining the conversation Drifty! Always a pleasure to have you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. driftyness says:

        I didn’t know vulnerability research was a thing – what is it?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Ha! It’s literally research on vulnerability…lol. Done by researchers, professors trying to understand human relationships/connections.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I believe this is one of those situations that you have to truly look inside of yourself first.
    Ask yourself…what could be the actual outcome if I do verses if I don’t! I know how this feels, because I am the type of person to get everything off my chest in order to feel better. So, I think one of the best things to do sometimes is to tell an outsider. May sound strange but true. You get someone that doesn’t know you or your husband. I mean:
    1. It gives you a chance to vent
    2. They tell you like it is, so you get to see the truth for what it is.
    3. You will not only feel better, but there is no backlash, no one to rub it in your face later or give you the side eye down the road.

    jaidenandjadesmom-

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Tasha! I have to agree with you! There is indeed a relief that comes with getting things off our chest! and ironically sometimes it’s easier with an acquaintance, seeing that they will have no expectation of you or your husband! And like you said, they’re detached enough to not even care to pass judgement. Good points here! Thanks for your thoughts on this! 🙂

      Like

  4. It’s such a hard one. I never talk about mine for the very reasons you’ve stated. I always end up suffer in silence. Well I usually write down what’s bothering me in my 📓 and sometime that helps get things off my chest, but it can’t really respond to me can it?! Xx It’s a difficult one. X

    Like

  5. kajemarie says:

    Such a tricky thing to navigate! I ask myself this all the time. What is okay to share, but doesn’t violate my husband’s privacy. I think this dilemma is something that has kept me from sharing my marriage on my blog even though it’s such a big part of my life and journey. My husband has told me that nothing is off limits, it’s more about how I decide to say certain things.

    Currently, I have elected to not share details about my marriage publicly even with friends. Ultimately though, I agree with my husband and think it’s about how you say things when sharing marriage struggles and (I’ll add) who you share with while you’re going through.

    My approach is that I’m not going to vent to or seek the advice of a single friend, unless it’s someone that I 100% trust and is spiritually grounded. A single friend who has never been married, I feel, can’t tell me how to approach a situation as a married person because there’s a different mindset you operate with when you’re married that they just don’t understand.

    Would I tell my friends my husband cheated? ….If that ever happened I think shame and embarrassment is what would keep me from sharing something like that, not necessarily the desire to protect my husband’s image. Since I’m all about vulnerability and having the strength to admit that my life isn’t perfect, I wouldn’t keep it a secret. I would first want to give myself time to cool off and let my emotions settle. But, infidelity is common, it happens all the time. So I don’t think it’s one of those things we need to lock up and never talk about with anyone else. I think sharing allows us to 1) seek and receive support from others and 2) show others how to positively move forward after that kind of situation and heal your marriage if you’re able to do so.

    Sharing our pain and struggles allows others to see that there is healing and joy and peace after the storm.

    For the blog though, I would wait until I have completely healed before announcing to the world, if I even decided that I want to share on that type of platform. (While I think it’s okay to share tough stuff with close family and friends, some things aren’t meant to be broadcasted to the entire world.)

    I believe that when we haven’t fully healed and we decide to open ourselves up to the thoughts and opinions of strangers, we’re opening ourselves up to a world of trouble that I think would hinder our healing while we’re in the midst of it.

    This is definitely one of these grey area topics, and it’s clear this was a great conversation starter!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. kajemarie says:

      I’ll also add that I meet with some church members in a small group format. We’ve been meeting regularly since Feb. These are people that I feel I can do life with even after such a short amount of time. Everyone in this group has the ability to be vulnerable and cry and share really difficult things. Sometimes there is no response. Sometimes we just sit quietly and just be present with that person as they share or cry or whatever. This, I think would be the friend group that I would feel most comfortable sharing with as opposed to the women I’ve been friends with for 10 years.

      Liked by 4 people

      1. YYeeesss!!! I call them Life Groups!!!! My life group leader from 5 years ago taught me the healing power of being honest in the struggle!!!

        So I totally get it!!!

        Yyaaayyy for Life Groups!!!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Aawww man Kelle! Can you write the sequel to this blog?!?!? I really like how you’ve broken down your response… feels like we’re chatting from across the table.

      Thanks for sharing that you have chosen not to share details of your marriage, even with friends.

      “and (I’ll add) who you share with while you’re going through.” — This appears to be the consistent sentiment circulating among my Vulnerabites…it’s not ‘what’ you share, but with ‘who.’

      “I think shame and embarrassment is what would keep me from sharing something like that, not necessarily the desire to protect my husband’s image.” — RRRIIIIGGHHHTT!!! This is exactly what I was sharing with friends after this bog was published—- I didn’t share my former fiancé’s infidelity when it happened, because it tapped into my insecurities more than anything else. So I totally get you on that point.

      However like you said, “I think sharing allows us to seek and receive support from others” — I really could’ve done with some love and support during that time and when I did eventually share, I wished I had shared sooner.

      “when we haven’t fully healed and we decide to open ourselves up to the thoughts and opinions of strangers, we’re opening ourselves up to a world of trouble that I think would hinder our healing while we’re in the midst of it.” — Ha! I think we should UNDERSTAND that is the risk we take when we share “in the midst” of the storm…. don’t think it needs to be off limits until you’ve ‘gotten through it’… sometimes the beauty of a testimony is the faith we have WHILE we’re in it. YET! I do understand that opinions of strangers can open the opportunity to rub salt in the wound. We won’t know for sure until we’ve taken that risk.

      Aaaahhh overall — great thoughts Kelle! Glad to have you as part of the Vulnerabite family 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. kajemarie says:

        Thanks Mac! ….my anniversary is coming up. Maybe I should venture on the wild side and write a sequel/marriage post lol.

        It’s crazy that I barely sit down to write my own blog posts but then some of you ladies write stuff that has me writing an entire book in the comments haha. Good job to you!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Uummm… I’ll be on standby for that marriage post 🙂 PS. Happy ‘early’ Anniversary!!!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Kaje Marie says:

            Thank you! ❤️

            Like

  6. Trinity says:

    I love this post and find it to be a tough one. I’ve been open with close friends about my marriage problems and had my business shared, so then I chose to be quiet and talk more to God. But I found that I felt very isolated and betrayed, but learned a hard lesson that sometimes your so-called “close friends” can’t be trusted. Also that you can’t talk to friends more than you talk to God about your marriage.

    Talking to your husband is always key and I try to do that 1st, but sometimes when it’s a repeated issue, it’s more frustrating than it is helpful. I’ve learned that prayer truly changes things, more than a venting session with your friend. But because we’re human I like the convo and different perspective that another person can bring.

    So in a nutshell, there is no 1 answer. I think we all have to be led by the spirit and see what works for our individual marriages. The personalities of the husband and wife play a part, as well as what resources we have available. Whether that be books, a counselor, marriage ministry, a bestie, or great communication skills within the marriage.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey Trinity! Glad to have you. Welcome to the Vulnerabite Family!

      Let me begin by saying, I’m sorry your friends violated your trust. That can’t be easy.

      I think the trend among all the comments are it isn’t ‘what’ is being shared, but rather ‘who’ it’s being shared with. Because no one wants “their business shared.” And it sounds like, had your “business not been shared”, there would still be a safe space in the friendship for you to share openly about your marriage.

      I like the different options you mention:
      1. Talking to Him
      2. Praying
      3. Talking to a person who can offer a different perspective

      I guess like you mentioned, there isn’t ONE right answer, and may be safe to say that whether or not we talk to someone will have to be on a case by case basis.

      Thanks for your thoughts Trinity!

      Like

  7. This was an interesting post and something I too struggle with. I as well do not have a best friend (thought I did but hmmm… that’s for another blog). Any who I use to spill things that go on with very close friends of mine but then they started to view my husband in a different light which I thought was very inappropriate but then again I could not blame them because of how I may have given the message to them. Angry at the time and venting made him look like a dog. Also you have to be careful with whom you talk to because although they may be your “bestie” they don’t want to see you happy and excelling in your marriage. They want to see you fall and cry and hurt just so they can feel that they are doing better than you… smh. Which is what I feel my “bestfriend” is doing which is why I now say less and observe more. It’s like a competition with her so I stepped back. I don’t vent to anyone anymore but I write everything down. So to answer your question, you have to find that genuine friend who listens to understand and not judge. Vent about everything even intimacy because if you spill only half it will leave them assuming and leave you unfulfilled with your vent session. However, you need someone in your corner that won’t judge but will be there to do just that ..BE THERE.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s unfortunate that you found out that you couldn’t be vulnerable with your bestie. Unfortunately, like you, I’ve learned this the hard way too. Some friends want you to do well, but not better than them. They secretly celebrate when you fail. It’s tiring trying to figure out who is who and it forces you to go into your own cocoon. But there are a few people who will not judge and always be in your own corner. Thanks for sharing!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I just posted a saying on Instagram of this very explaination “some friends want to see you do good, but not better than them”… its crazy that we live in a world with ppl of such statue. It’s very unfortunate but I’m glad we both found out before it was too late or continued to be naive with friendships. Girl my cocoon is built so nice and I love it 😂😂😂 thank you for your support however. Strangers make the best supporters💞

        Liked by 1 person

      2. “They secretly celebrate when you fail.” — Really>!?!? Where are y’all finding these friends? — Like what are the tell-tell signs, if the celebration of your failure is ‘secretly’?

        I’m genuinely curious Yaa Yaa!

        Like

        1. The signs are discreet. Sometimes, they’ll one-up you. Eg., You’ll say something like, “My husband surprised with a dozen roses!” And they’ll say, “My husband surprised me with 2 dozen.” Or, if you tell them something you’re worried about, they’ll listen. And it’s not in a way that shows they are willing to help, it’s in a condescending manner. They sound relieved.

          I’ve had my fair share of frenemies. But even my best friends have their shortcomings as well. I do too. I’ve gotten jealous of my friends and they may have been slightly jealous of me too. It’s when the jealousy is overbearing, that’s when you have to let it go.

          People are people lol. They can be good, bad, and ugly. If you find a friend who is always rooting for you all the time, you need to hold onto them for dear life.

          Oh and I didn’t answer your question about telling someone if my husband cheated. That would depend on whether I’ve chosen to stay or leave. If I choose to leave, they yes I may tell my friends over a bowl of icecream as I vent but if I was trying to stay, I’d only confide in someone who can help me manage the situation. My goal in telling them would be to seek their help. I’d love for them to be a bit far removed from my relationship, so it may be a counselor or someone who is close to me, but not a peer. Probably someone older and who I look to as a mentor.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Hey Yaa Yaa! Y’all are trying to make me sequel this blog with something about friendships! Because whhooo LORDT! — Someone trying to ‘one up’ you, Sheesh. In my mind, could it be that we’re in a space of sharing what our husbands have done ? and maybe WE are the ones who feel one up’d because someone else’s husband did something a little nicer? Just a thought? What do you think?

            —and that’s another discussion altogether! Mama Mia!

            And the jealousy thing… Mmhh I’m glad you recognize that even our best friends will fall short— it’s a human thing! BUT, not addressed and handled correctly CAN and WILL cause damage to the friendship! On BOTH sides, us feeling jealous towards them and vice versa. (That too is another blog) — I have a blog called, “I’m not jealous of her, but…” ( https://thenakedwriterblog.com/2016/04/15/im-not-jealous-of-her-but/ )

            About If Husband Cheated Question: I totally understand how you’d handle it. Makes total sense. Thanks for sharing!!!

            Love all these yummy insights Yaa Yaa! Glad to have you as part of the Vulnerabite family boo! *Muah*

            Like

      3. Tiffany says:

        Yes that’s what we all have to look out for. Both sides Husband and Wife. Marriage means partnership, but as we grow in life, some friends will fall off and some of them needs to fall off. I pray and asked God to help in that area! 🙏🏼

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Hey Quetia! Ok, before we even get to the blog response… I’m still stuck at “they may be your “bestie” they don’t want to see you happy and excelling in your marriage. They want to see you fall and cry and hurt just so they can feel that they are doing better than you… smh. Which is what I feel my “bestfriend” is doing which is why I now say less and observe more.” —- How is this person “STILL” your “BEST friend” after you’ve come to this conclusion about them?

      Like really.

      But like you said, that’s another blog.

      But out of curiosity, have you tried having an honest discussion about how you feel in the friendship? Going on this way, ain’t good for you or her!

      I don’t know her/her side, so I won’t bash her… but if YOU feel this way in the friendship, it’s up to YOU to do something about it.

      Now, back to my blog — Yes, I’m seeing the trend that it’s not “what” we say about our marriage, but “who” we’re saying it to.

      Thanks for being vulnerable with us and opening up about your own journey.

      Glad to have you Vulnerabite!

      Like

      1. I’ve had a discussion with her and get response was that’s not how it is but actions speak louder than words. I can only say so much. I can’t change her behavior, I can only react differently to it. I don’t consider her as a beat friend just a well known associate. It’s all surface and she knows it.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Wow. Girl, like I was telling Scribbles & Tostitos… sounds like a discussion on friendships might be the appropriate sequel to this piece!

          Like

  8. Jaylin says:

    Love the signature 😍 this post was great and very thought provoking! I tell my best friend close to everything, but I would say we have the relationship where we know that just bc your guy does something wrong doesn’t mean either one of is automatically hates him. And in the case that we do we wouldn’t push that view on each other. Great read 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahaha!! The signature is cute right!?!?! Thanks boo! That was all you! 🙂

      MMhhHHmm… Thanks for sharing the understanding you have with your best friend 🙂 It’s really lovely to have someone you can trust with the issues in your life!

      Like

  9. Didi says:

    Great blog! You always come through with something amazing!
    For me, it’s starts with the person you married. Is your spouse someone you can openly express how you feel? Is your spouse someone who shuts down everytime there’s a difficult Situation? Does your spouse remain mad or uncooperative for a very long time just because things are not going their way? Is talking through the issues something you 2 have built from the beginning? The list of questions goes on and based on your answers, that should tell you whether you might need a third party to help you figure things out or not. Ideally, I would rather work it out without inviting someone else into the relationship. However, if you decide to share your issues with a third party, it’s important you know who that third party is. Is it someone who wants to fix your problem? Can they be trusted? Will they be a listening hear? Are they judgmental and how will they react? It’s a tough one but it’s important to remember that holding things in won’t help you become a better spouse. Holding things in will only increase your level of stress, anxiety or tension will worsen your marriage in the end. So hopefully you and your spouse have a strong bond and space where you can talk to each other openly and honestly to work things out. However if that is not the case, find someone who wants to see your marriage succeed and who will provide you with advice that will truly help you out.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “You always come through with something amazing!” —- Tear!

      Those are all good communication style questions that we should know going into the marriage about our spouse! Granted, marriage is different and will bring up new opportunities to learn about your spouse.

      “I would rather work it out without inviting someone else into the relationship.” — Thanks for sharing that! That’s the question I’m trying to get answered with this blog.

      “holding things in won’t help you become a better spouse, it will only increase your level of stress, anxiety or tension ” — Right.

      “However if that is not the case, find someone who wants to see your marriage succeed and who will provide you with advice that will truly help you out.” — Epi Dats it!!!

      Like

    2. Tiffany says:

      Right look at his characteristics during the tough situations and topics. Women overlook this trait before they’re married or they think it’s something they’ll change after they’re married. Wrong thinking!

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Joelle says:

    Being single it is difficult to relate to this delicate balancing act. But, I like Tiffany’s response to the post.

    I believe there are things no spouse will ever share, but the things that hurt you can cause problems within the marriage, and those things can lead to harm to yourself emotionally, psychologically or even in some cases physically. Maybe the difficult part is knowing what you should not keep to yourself…the things that for one reason or another you simply cannot share with your spouse, either because he/she is not in a place to receive what you are saying or they simply have no frame of reference to understand what you are trying to communicate.

    The trick is knowing whom to speak to about your situation that will respect your marriage and your husband/wife, even if he/she knows things about the relationship. Will the things you reveal change the way your friend views your husband/wife? I can’t say. You know your friends.

    The hardest thing for me as a friend is just listening without offering advice. I am a fixer at heart and am always looking for a solution. Sometimes people just need someone to listen and keep quiet.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey Teacher Joelle! You know I’m always on standby for your insights, right? lol

      “Maybe the difficult part is knowing what you should not keep to yourself” — EXACTLY! That’s why I wrote this blog! Lol… Maybe a marriage counselor needs to jump on here and comment!

      But I hear your thoughts— Knowing WHOM to speak to! Right!

      Yeah girl… I can tell you for sure, that most married women (Women Period) are probably talking to vent unless they deliberately ask you, “What should I do?” — I’m a fixer too, so I get it. And you don’t want to see your friend hurt, so you offer solutions to help ease her pain.. I get it.

      Like

    2. Tiffany says:

      Same, but the only way I would treat a friends husband differently is if she shared he’s been physically abusive. And my fist would intervene, they will need Jesus. 💪🏼😆

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Jackie says:

    Everything can be shared, but sharing depends on whether or not the person is comfortable and feels the environment is safe. I do think some level of healing must occur before sharing though.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Safe environment? I agree. That will indeed foster a better breeding ground for honest dialogue 🙂

      Some level of healing? MMhh…But then how does it leave room for us to process with someone BEFORE we’ve healed… when the wound is still fresh?

      Like

  12. I’m not married but I do have a few married friends. They do vent to me and I feel because I’m not married , it makes it easier for them to talk to me about things because I can’t relate . I just let them talk and get it off their chest , which in most cases that’s usually all they want to do . They don’t want answers , they don’t want you to fix the situation , they just want you to listen and be there for them . My homegirls husband did cheat on her and was acting up but I didn’t bash him and tell her to divorce him . It’s not my place to tell her that. I just let her vent and support her in the best way that I can and pray for God to heal her heart and guide her in that situation.

    Every woman should be able to have at least one homegirl that won’t judge her or her decisions or the man she chooses to be with. I don’t believe that talking about your marital problems is disrespecting your spouse , talking bad about him and telling his personal secrets is. You just have to be careful with who you trust with the information . I don’t think the information is the problem , the problem is in the person that holds the info . It’s all about having people in your life that love you, respect you and show you grace in general.

    We all don’t have alllllll the answers. People just have different mindsets. I’ve learned to look for friends that are trustworthy and know about the human condition . A lot of people aren’t aware of why humans are the way they are and why they do the things to do . It’s all a condition of the heart . We need people around us with genuine hearts , that can understand us and even if they don’t, still love us and be there for us regardless of what we go through in our personal lives.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Hey Cristal! Wow.

      Ok, sooooooo

      1.) You’re right. I think that because you’re not single and “can’t relate” makes it easier for you ‘not to judge them’ because you don’t really know. Like my friends who are moms, I cant pass judgment on their parenting styles, because I have no idea what it means to have children. So indeed, it may be easier for them to vent to you, than another married person.

      2.) Wow. It’s good to hear that your friend was able to confide in you about her husband’s infidelity. You must be a VERY GOOD friend to her and thank you for giving her a place to vent and not passing judgment when she decided to stay. Kudos to you Cristal!

      3.) Yes, you’re right… sometimes it’s not WHAT we’re sharing, but WHO we’re sharing it with!

      and this thought wraps it up nicely…

      “We need people around us with genuine hearts , that can understand us and even if they don’t, still love us and be there for us regardless of what we go through in our personal lives.” — Well Said.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Tiffany says:

      I totally agree with everything. They need a safe place to vent. I have married friends who share there issues, but I don’t run around spreading gossip or use it as blackmail. I don’t have time for that. And I wouldn’t want anyone to do it to me.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Right! We reap what we sow 😆

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Tiffany says:

          Everything is biblical, that’s the concept of marriage.

          Liked by 1 person

  13. Tiffany says:

    Great post! Not an uncommon question, either. If you’re looking for a bestie, I’m putting my application in. 😂
    Anyway, I’m not married yet (God has Boaz in my life), and I can agree though it’s better to careful about sharing the intimacy of your relationship.
    I have friends who are married and they share stuff. Do I look at the husband differently? No, Do I walk around like I have dirt on their husband to spell if they ever step out of line? No. Personally, what they share is between me and them.
    Now, I will say I have “certain” people who I share “certain” things. Sadly, some of us woman love to gossip. And that I don’t tolerate. Never.
    Nonetheless, you have to be careful who you ask for advice, especially in the current state of their own marriage. Because unconsciously give you their negative advice because they’re dealing with their own mess. I tend to go people who show an example of a “healthy” marriage, not a “perfect” marriage.
    Those are the ones who look at your situations separate from their own problems. Each marriage is different. Infidelity does happen, but if you choose to stay and make it work, it is no ones business. And they shouldn’t be treating your husband differently because you’re choosing to stay in a marriage.
    Counseling is the best option, which both parties must participate in and out of counseling. So it’s really up to you who you want to dish the news too. Be careful to choose wisely. Not everyone wants to see you happy, even your closest friends can start to change.
    And I always check in with God first before I talk to anybody. 🙏🏼🙌🏼 hope this helps! Great post!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I like how you’ve distinguished between perfect marriage and heathy marriage. A lot of people get the two confused!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Tiffany says:

        Really?! Those people haven’t done their homework. As I’ve been single God has asked me to read a lot about what it takes to be married. (this is basic research, My experience being married will be different.) At least I can get prepared somewhat, I do believe every relationship is different and we all tolerate things differently.
        I’m very aware though, I can only give advice to a certain extent because I will never know your intimate relationship.
        Plus, no one is perfect, how can be expect a perfect marriage. That’s unrealistic expectations! 🤔😆

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Tiffany— Girl, you are good! You are taking the right steps! And I hear some wisdom in your writing too —- practical application will be very different from the theoretical reading— but it does not mean you shouldn’t read… but reading with that understanding is phenomenal! You go girl!

          My husband and I read A LOT! Hence why we gave out books at our Marriage Celebration! lol ( https://thenakedwriterblog.com/2018/02/20/no-one-came-to-our-wedding/ )

          Liked by 1 person

      2. What’s the difference? 🙂

        Like

        1. Anytime I sense that a woman talks as though her marriage is perfect, I immediately know something is up. In other words, any couple who goes and beyond to brag about how they never fight or married life is “blissful” or they overshare on FB, they are overcompensating for something. Soon, you’ll learn that the 2 were hiding something ugly. I try to give perfect couples the benefit of the doubt but my theory has yet to fail me. Perfect marriages/relationships end and when they do, it’s usually in an ugly manner.

          Healthy marriages, on the other hand resemble life. Life has its ups and downs. And so does marriage. They disagree, but they implement effective conflict resolutions. Usually, the two are good friends who really enjoy one another’s company. Such marriages are based on trust and both parties are equally committed to each other. They can talk through issues and know when to compromise. They don’t have to overshare on social media because they are too busy maintaining the relationship and don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

          Does that answer your question?

          Liked by 1 person

          1. “Life has its ups and downs. And so does marriage.” — Well said. That one line summed it all up for me 🙂

            Like

    2. Hey Tiffany!!!! Lol! Yes! I’m taking applications! Application received.

      Whew!! You say a lot of good things here that bring up other questions in my mind…

      1.) Is it easier for married people to share with singles because there’s no fear of comparison — meaning — “your marriage is better than mine, so I don’t want you to know that mine is bad”. Just a thought!

      2.) an example of a “healthy” marriage, not a “perfect” marriage. MMhh… How do you know the difference?

      3.) They shouldn’t be treating your husband differently because you’re choosing to stay in a marriage.— Mmmhh… Hillary Clinton? Somehow Bill’s mistake became a talking point in HER campaign. Rather, it would’ve been a balanced perspective to give her some kudos for staying in the marriage.. but society treated her harshly.

      4.) It’s really up to you who you want to dish the news too. —- Guess that’s just it right? It’s your choice.

      Thanks for these really good talking points Tiff! Please make sure you’re at the launch of my Vulnerabite experiences! lol #wheneverthatis

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Tiffany says:

        Oh when’s the launch? I want to attend. Secondly, people need to get out of Hilary’s business (I almost cursed) that’s how upset I’m about it. They used that arsenal because women jumped on it. Men couldn’t have cared less until the government wanted to impeach him on it. He has consensual sex with a women who used his status to claim “he took advantage of her”. Give me a break!
        Hilary choose to stay in the relationship, what the media and people did was crucify her, passing judgement. Yet we have this man in office who blatantly disrespect women and race, but everyone turns a blind eye. Come on.
        I think singles can ask questions, giving advice we’ll it depends. I can give you advice from seeing both sides of the story, but not one sided. It can cause problems. I would rather listen and if they ask my opinion. I’d ask God to guide the right words out my mouth, because I never want to hinder a relationship.
        You can’t create a healthy marriage, if you first don’t know that you’re imperfect. If you first haven’t dealt with your past, healing and forgiveness. And get out of the mindset that he will change once you’re married. Nah that does not work. I say if you both put God first in the marriage then you can build a healthy marriage. I know not many relationships are believers of God. So I can’t speak for them. I just say establish values and boundaries. Don’t put unrealistic boundaries on your spouse to complete when you don’t fulfill theirs. I can’t stress enough how important communication is. It’s very fundamental, but it means you have to listen and stop working on the rebuttal.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. You’ll be among the first to know when the launch is happening … I have it scheduled for sometime 2 years from now 🤪 Maybe sooner, who knows!

          About Hilary … sigh! The public is so unforgiving! All these years later, she is still in the shadow of HIS mistake… but that’s a different topic for another blog !

          “You can’t create a healthy marriage, if you first don’t know that you’re imperfect. If you first haven’t dealt with your past, healing and forgiveness.” —— Right on! I’ll add to that and say you can’t have healthy relationships (with yourself and others) if you don’t the hard work of self-awareness and healing that can come through professional counseling 😆

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Tiffany says:

            Yes! This was the best post. I’m learning a lot. ☺️

            Liked by 1 person

            1. AAawww… Tear! Tugging at my heart strings! That’s my hope when these blogs get off the screen and into an ‘experience.’

              Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for this post! This something I struggle with daily. You want to be open and authentic with your friends but since he is your partner in life, you have to respect him too! That happy balance is difficult.

    My husband and I promised ourselves that we would not talk about our issues with anyone except each other. There is no need to “vent” to others. We simply “vent” to each other. Our experience has shown us that venting makes you reveal things in an unfair way. You’re angry so you phrase things in a way that makes your spouse look awful. I don’t want that, so typically, if I am angry with him about something, then I won’t talk about it at all with anyone. Maybe my diary, lol, but that’s it.

    As per being open with friends – I try to be reasonable with this one. I think about the story I want to share and how the listener may view him after the story. If it’s something lighthearted and funny, then I’m happy to tell all. Hearing that my hubby is happiest on the couch watching soccer while I like to be out and about with friends make for some funny stories. I like parties; hubby prefers intimate gatherings at home. If he’s in the room, he laughs at the stories too.

    Our struggles and the repetitive arguments that we have – I don’t discuss those. If I do, I may something generic like “managing differences is difficult.”

    My husband are friends with a married couple nearby and I think they do a good job of this. They love each other with all their hearts but will still let you know how their marriage is far from perfect without telling us all the juicy details. We feel like we can relate to them. But we don’t ever feel like they disrespect each other.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Tiffany says:

      That’s great. It’s great you can vent to each other. But sometimes we do need an outside perspective. And meeting another couple whose married, whom you can share it with, is great!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Right! And perhaps, where we went wrong in the past was not being selective about who we shared things with. There are a handful of friends that we talk to when we need advice. We’ve been together 5 years and my husband has only called his friend for advice once. I’ve only called such friends for advice maybe once or twice.

        It’s amazing how much I’ve learning through observing others’ marriages. I ask my friends and co-workers generic questions all the time and may engage in conversations about marriage. I read books and articles. But is it weird that in our 5-year relationship and 2-year marriage, I’ve rarely sought out specific advice about our relationship or engaged in open dialogue about our specific problems?

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Tiffany says:

          No, I think you’re very selective about who you let into your circle. And hey, it’s been working very well in your relationship. God helps fill in the rest. Plus, now you’ve build a stronger foundation with your husband, to where he has to communicate with you. And vice versa. Is that what teamwork in a marriage supposed to be? Communication, effectively together? 😊 great example!

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Well said Tiff! #ditto

            Liked by 1 person

        2. Hey again Yaa Yaa!!!

          “I read books and articles.”— OMG! Me too!!! I’m a reading junkie!!!! And add Youtube videos on marriage to that list for me!

          Is it weird? Umm I don’t think we have metrics to measure how much a couple should seek external advice and how that plays a part on the success of their relationship.

          So, I don’t think anyone can tell you it’s weird or not honey. It’s just the way your marriage has been and every two people are different 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

      2. If I saw this before I commented, I would’ve just said Ditto! Lol

        Liked by 1 person

    2. My girl Yaa Yaa!

      “You want to be open and authentic with your friends but since he is your partner in life, you have to respect him too! That happy balance is difficult.” — Yep! That pretty much sums up exactly what I wanted to say! lol

      I definitely hear you on the “venting” part — hence my last point that sometimes ‘venting’ defers us from talking directly to the husbae, so I get it. And it’s a great practice that you and the hubby have 🙂

      So for the most part, I gather that you don’t talk to friends about what’s happening in your marriage. But you and hubby have another couple that you have common ground with. — Nice!

      I’m always happy to learn through other wives and couples at how they handle this part of their marriage.

      Thanks for sharing so candidly 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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