I’m Doing Life All Wrong.

Hey Vulnerabites,

I walked through the circle and headed towards the last available seat. As I sought to quickly sift through my tote bag for my note book, before I could even put my bag down, I heard him say, “Oh great Mac! You’ll go first!” —- What the?!?!? Bruh, I’m just trying to find my notebook. I’m standing here because my seat is up here, not because I was subliminally volunteering myself to go first.

“Well alrighty then!” I mustered up through a nervous smile.

I wiggled my hips into the hot seat at the front of the room. This was my 2Pac moment, all eyes were on me. 

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I had been looking forward to this mastermind all year, it’s on my vision board for crying out loud! Yet here it was — and I felt myself rejecting it.

Not because I didn’t want it, but because I didn’t feel ready.

It was time to chuck up a shot of my own advice, “It’s not about being ready, it’s about being willing.”

…and I was willing.

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Follow me on Instagram @YoursVulnerably

Willing to sit vulnerably in this circle of strangers and share intimately about the challenge I think is “standing in the way of me accomplishing my most audacious goals of 2019.”

“What I want to do with my life keeps changing.  I went from studying public relations and business in school, to becoming a missionary to Africa, returning home to start a personal finance business, to starting this Vulnerabite community and now I’m in the FinTech space. I haven’t found one thing I’m committed to.”

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There — it was out in the open.

After all the seminars, church conferences, Ted Talks, Lewis Howes podcasts and turning the big 3-0 — I still can’t answer that stupid question, “what’s my purpose?”

I used to over spiritualize my life and always respond to people with, “Whatever the Lord calls me to do, is what I will do.”

Nothing is fundamentally wrong with this thinking, but for me it was an excuse. I didn’t (and still don’t) have the map of my life that I thought we all get after college.

One person in the group asked me, “What do you find is the common thread in all of these experiences?”

I wanted to blurt out, “If I knew that, this wouldn’t be my challenge, now would it?” 

But having given myself permission to sit with the question for just a moment, I responded, “Maybe it’s just been out of the need I’ve had in my own life. I guess I’ve just assumed that ‘if I need this, someone else might too.’ ” 

Is that enough? How will people know what to come to me for? My needs are going to evolve as my life does, and I can’t keep changing my service with every season of my life — or can I ?

I’m 30-something, I should have this figured out already. Right? But I don’t.

It feels like I’m doing life all wrong. 

Here’s what I walked out of that circle with …

 

My validation has been (is) tied up in producing the life I think I’m supposed to have by now.

Here’s my truth —-

Everything I’ve studied… every country I’ve moved to …. every job I’ve taken … every community I’ve been a part of …. is part of the journey that Christ created for me — to live, move and be (in Him).

Just Be Mac.

Just Be.

In this “hustle hard, team no sleep, Nike: Just Do It” culture — I haven’t given myself permission to just be.

As Paul, my Mastermind leader, said so honestly – “Your validation has been attached to the end result. It’s from a place of insecurity.”

Sigh.

Of course my validation is attached to the end result. The end result is evidence that I’ve been doing something with my life. Right?

I have lots to show for my life. In fact, I absolutely love that I’ve had so many different kinds of experiences already at just 30-something!

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I don’t need to define my purpose as a “one thing”—  My purpose is whatever I’m doing right now.

Yep. That’s it.

If I’m cooking for my husband, that’s my purpose in the moment. If I’m writing to my Vulnerabites, that’s my purpose. If I’m talking to my friend, that’s my purpose.

I believe that as I’m faithful with what’s in front of me today, it will inevitably lead me to my ‘next thing.’

Does this mean I won’t ever plan my life? Or set goals? Or create vision boards? — Of course not!

Paul released me from my hot seat with this wisdom and I”ll share it with you, “It’s not about the end result, it’s about learning to enjoy the journey.”

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Paul C Brunson, Host of the Mastermind

Follow me on Instagram @YoursVulnerably

So, this is it Vulnerabites!

I’ve decided to continue ‘doing life all wrong‘ —not chasing “one thing” and not tormenting myself with the stupid question of “what’s my purpose?”

My purpose is whatever I’m doing today. And when the next thing comes, that too will become my purpose.

So can my service to the world evolve as the seasons in my life change? Of course it can! Why not?

*Picture naked toddler waving diaper in the air and running through the house* — Totally how I feel right now!

Be free Vulnerabites! Be free!!!

PS. So, talk to me Vulnerabites… about your purpose? about your one thing? about your picture of life? about pursuing your end result? What’s that journey been like for you?

Yours Vulnerably,

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Follow me on Instagram @YoursVulnerably

36 Comments Add yours

  1. It’s currently 12:20am. I’m sitting on the floor in my room with my Bible study notes, my journal and obviously my computer. I attempted to type a free write that began “Just do it, every procrastinators” my mind went blank and then I decided to come check out your blog! God has such a sense of humor, the two post I read were ON POINT!! Thank you for your transparency and for the reminder to JUST BE!!! It’s always refreshing to read your work and know I’m not alone!!

    Janea

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Janea! Wow! This absolutely warms my heart! So glad that something in what I said resonated with you — praise God indeed!

      I find the more I open up about my own journey, the easier it becomes not to have it all figured out — because people like you encourage me!

      Yes honey … let’s learn to just BE this year — this culture is forcing us to hustle hard, with no rest, with all these #goals that leave us empty. Child please…. I’m embracing this new space I’m in!

      And no honey — you’re absolutely not alone!

      Like

  2. driftyness says:

    Love how thought-provoking your posts always are. I love reading the comments just as much as I love reading the post!

    This is me. I’ve struggled to figure out that one thing I wanted to do. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time holding up the different puzzle pieces of my life and trying to figure out how they go together. No answers yet.

    I’m definitely learning to just go with things in the short-term, and while that brings me some peace of mind, it still isn’t satisfying. I want a sense of direction so bad.

    I had one for a few years in undergrad when I decided on a career path and it was amazing. Waking up in the morning was the best, because I knew that the things I was going to do later on in the day were moving me closer to my goal. Life felt so coherent.

    Overall, I think the thing is that I’ve been trying to answer the wrong question. I think the right question for me is what kind of life do I want to live, not what do I want to do with my life.

    P.S. Happy new year!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Drifty!

      Girl! My darling little blog sis!!! You and me — we here!!! *Pointing from your eyes to mine repeatedly* — LOL.

      Yyeeesss!!! I love reading the comments too…lol. I am usually really interested in my Vulnerabites thoughts — I guess I just value a good added perspective to the conversation. You know?

      Yes! I hear you on wanting a “sense of direction”. There’s a “planner/organization/need to know the plan B to my plan B” type personality in me that will drive me up a wall, if I don’t learn to “Let Go and Let God!” Bahahahaaaaa

      And you hit it right on the head! Not what I want to DO, but the KIND of life I want to live! Yep! That’s it!!!

      Looking forward to the day we get to have some of these conversations with other Vulnerabites over some Tazo Passion Tea! lol

      Happy New Year Sis!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Me oh me… this is me as I read every word. You are on the right track. As always im rooting for you girl 💛

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol!!! Thanks honey! Always glad when my Vulnerabites connect! I’m learning the more I share of my life, there are like ten other people who breathe out and are glad that someone else said it out loud!!! lol Thanks for the cheers! I appreciate you.

      Like

  4. Katrina says:

    This was good and timely!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh so glad to hear that Katrina 🙂 Big Hugs to you!!!

      Like

  5. Almost 40?!??!? Girl! You look good! Would’ve never put that much age on you! Girl —- I’m right behind you! Life is just moving so darn quickly!!! Yes! I agree things tend to fall in place for us. Let me ask you Roshonda, as you approach 40, do you know what your purpose is? Do you feel like you’ve been ‘walking’ in it?

    Like

  6. This right here???? >>>>>>>> I believe that as I’m faithful with what’s in front of me today, it will inevitably lead me to my ‘next thing.’ >>>>>> summed it all up for me. Because I do believe that things tend to fall in place for us once we become faithful to what we’re already doing, then that’s when doors of opportunity and that “AHA” moment arrives. Love this post, definitely gave this “almost 40 yr” old something to ponder on even more as I move into 40 ville. Love Ya Mac!! & You’re well on your way…..you’re already in line doing it!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Listennn! I’m 31, and I still have my “lost” stages from time to time, but you’re absolutely right about JUST BE ❤️. When you allow yourself to be free, you’re allowing more layers of you to be seen by yourself and others. That’s the beauty of it. Keep being, Mac. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. YYYeeesss…. let the layers be unpeeled!! Let us all wave our diapers in the air and be free!!!

      Like

  8. Kaje Marie says:

    Well doesn’t this feel familiar! Lol sounds like exactly what I went through this year. Trying not to have a long winded response since it’s all on my blog 😉 but I also made the switch from focusing on the destination to enjoying the journey. All I need to know is the general direction and the one next step I need to take to get there. When I take it, the next one is revealed.

    I feel you on the having many things you’re interested in. It always made career planning hard for me because I’ve never wanted to stick to one thing, in fact I can’t. And it’s interesting to actually hear about your career path and what you’ve done for work. Definitely want to hear more about your missionary work one day!

    Im curious, what do you think motivated your view of what you thought your life was supposed to look like by 30?

    So glad you’ve decided to continue “doing life all wrong” 👏🏽

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Kelli (is that how you spell it?) honey!!! “the one next step I need to take” — Exactly. That’s all I need to focus on!

      I can’t exhaust myself with chasing this big picture that I don’t soak up all the ‘fun’ parts of my life that’s showing up on my way to there… you know?

      My missionary work? Uuuummmmmmmmmmm

      You’re queen of the follow up questions …lol… Love you for that!

      “what do you think motivated your view of what you thought your life was supposed to look like by 30?” —- What I see in the movies, what the world has been telling me, the expectations people have placed on me…. but I think it’s probably mostly what’s being pumped out in the media.

      School.Career.Marriage.Home. Kids. More Career. Retire. Travel. Die.

      Lol… Hate to say it that simply, but that’s pretty much the path we’ve been fed to take!

      And what about you booskie?

      Yes honey! Doing Life all wrong!!!

      Like

  9. HarleyQ2 says:

    My picture has changed except for one thing wanting to be writer. I have gone through grad school, lived in different states and given up my state license and therapy career etc. Now I want to just write and roam free and that’s my focus. Along the way, things will happen and you have to learn to deal with them – good and bad, accomplishments and disappointments. Enjoy the journey, the lessons and the experience

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Good to have you back again Harley!!!

      Aaahhh — so your one thing is writing!

      That’s really cool to have a one thing!

      I too enjoy writing, but I don’t know if it’s the writing as much as being able to connect with my Vulnerabites 🙂

      In any case, like you’ve said — learning to enjoy the experiences and all the lessons that come with them!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. driftyness says:

      This! I have a few things that haven’t really changed, even though I have. Writing and just wanting to roam free are two of mine as well. I think I’ve struggled to accept them as valid because they’re not conventional answers to the “what should I do with my life?” question.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. HarleyQ2 says:

        I understand. It has taken me this long to admit that having the unconventional is how I would love to live my life. I have and is still doing the conventional but it feels like a bandaid fix.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. MMMhhhhh …. a bandaid fix…. That’s an interesting choice of words —- Feels like you’re calling the “conventional life” a “Temporary Fix” —— What would be the ‘deep gutted’ fix for the ‘unconventional life’ you’d love to live?

          *Sips tea, waits for response*

          Like

          1. HarleyQ2 says:

            😀 The traveling life and writing – two passions. I would like to make a living of my writing to pay for my nomadic lifestyle🙏🏽. I am all about the simplistic now.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. YYYYaaassss!! #TeamNomads …. Hahahahaa!

              Liked by 1 person

      2. Right! I agree with you Drifty! When I think about what I really like to do — TRAVEL! lol — And no I don’t wanna be a flight attendant….lol.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. driftyness says:

          Yep, I think my ultimate goal is to stop trading time for money!

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Bingo!!!! Money you can get back? Time — never!

            Liked by 1 person

  10. Jacki says:

    I’m 34 and I still don’t know. I’ve literally, since moving home, learned to just “be”. And I’m the most comfortable I’ve ever been in my own skin at this time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah girl —- just BE! Aaawww so happy to hear that Jacki — warms my heart!

      I feel a sense of increased relief comes after turning 30 — before 30, you try to get it all done and after 30, you realize you haven’t and understand that it’s OK! It really is.

      Like

  11. Vanessa says:

    Yes being free sounds good to me. It’s less stressful. I had pondered on that what is my purpose question for years. Never found out so I stopped asking and just enjoy where I am instead of wondering if it is where I am supposed to be.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yep! That’s it Vanessa! Just enjoying where we are. There’s freedom in that! 🙂

      Like

  12. KayLuv says:

    Yes… be free!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m free boo! I’m free! 🙂

      Like

  13. Mac this is great! You know I am ALL about getting to find out Purpose whether it’s getting up on time or starting a business. I am intrigued by your journey because I teach “enjoy the process” I will definitely be sharing this in Living Free’s next monthly session. My first pursuit in living my purpose was letting go of the expectations people had for me and simply enjoy being Amanda.
    Thank you for sharing 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yep! I know you’re ALL about Purpose…lol. I’m like totally covering my face now — feeling shy!

      ” I will definitely be sharing this in Living Free’s next monthly session.” —- Really!>!>>!>! You find it aligned with your teachings? Wow. Wasn’t expecting that!! lol

      Yes!!! The expectations girl!!! Whew!!!! That’s another beast right there!!! And it NEVER ends!!!

      If you’re single — you need to be married — if you’re married — you need to have kids — if you have kids — you need to raise them a certain way — it just never ends. Ugh!

      But I’m free boo —- or at least trying to be intentional about walking in my freedom!

      Liked by 2 people

  14. J says:

    Love the naked toddler image…I can totally picture it!LOLOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I get people with your exact sentiments ALL THE TIME! I want people to feel comfortable not knowing so they can start somewhere. On the “Embrace the Process” I teach from the first step is “accept where you are!” This is so good

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes… Embrace the process. Love That!!!

        Like

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