I have a sincere interest in human connection. I read about it, I talk about it and I write about it.
I want to explore my interest for human connection with this pilot project called “Mondays with Mac” for the month of August. You ask questions, I answer — only on Mondays. So send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, Direct Message me on Instagram @yoursvulnerably, if you have my number, send me a text.
How do I tell my friend that she is inconsiderate and selfish without causing an uproar?
Short answer: Tell her with love.
It’s commendable that you want to keep the friendship, considering your willingness to want to have the hard conversation and your desire not to hurt her, in your words cause an “uproar.” I applaud you Vulnerabite.
I do not believe that your friend is inconsiderate and selfish, otherwise you wouldn’t have deliberately chosen her as a part of your inner circle. And if you did indeed choose her knowing these things about her, you have to take some of the responsibility for the condition of your friendship.
Who your friend is and what she does are two distinct things.
My recommendation would be to start the conversation with some thing you admire about your friend, have an example to support it. I would then proceed by telling her that sometimes her actions do not align with the person you’ve grown to admire. Be prepared with a specific example(s) of what she’s done to illustrate her inconsiderate and selfish actions. Invite her to bring clarity to her actions and be open to the possibility that you may have misinterpreted her actions.
You do not want to attack your friend and tell her “You are a bad person.” If you say this, because she loves you and values your opinion of her, she may take on that identity and believe that she is unable to change, because it’s who she is.
If you tell her, “You are a good person, who has done some bad things.” You give her room to re-align her bad actions with the good person she is.
We do not know how your friend will receive this, but I believe that once your motive is rooted in love and not to “tell her off”, she will receive it well. If she doesn’t, well that’s a different discussion.
PS. I hope you and your friend can go for ice cream after this talk!
Let’s Connect on Instagram @YoursVulnerably
Vulnerabites! Your perspective has value. What do you think? … I’m here for the comments 🙂