Is it ok to be Married and Attracted to Someone Else?

Hey Vulnerabites!

Thank You for giving me the opportunity to explore my interest for human connection with this pilot project called “Mondays with Mac” for the month of August. You’ve asked great questions, I didn’t get a chance to answer all of them, but who knows… we might see this pilot project again 🙂 But for now, we have come to our final question.

Question: At what point do I cross the line of acknowledging a man is attractive and crossing over into an attraction that is inappropriate? How do I handle that conversation with my spouse?

Short Answer: If you have to ask yourself if something is inappropriate, then you know the answer. If you want your marriage, then you should address it with your spouse immediately.

We’ve all heard married people say of someone they find physically attractive, “I’m married, not blind.” I’ve recently heard a rebuttal to that statement, “That’s how it starts, not being blind.”

Let’s define “it” as an “inappropriate romantic attraction,” and let’s assume this is an attraction between two adults.

When you and your spouse have established boundaries for your marriage and your attraction leads to interactions that violate the boundaries, that is inappropriate. I’m less concerned with the actual “attraction” and more concerned with what is “done” with the attraction.

Is this ok in marriage? Wether or not it’s “ok”, will depend on the person.

For me? Yes, I’m ok with a married person being attracted to someone else. I’m not ok with acting on the attraction.

In more simpler terms, being tempted and giving into temptation — two very different things. It is absolutely ok to be tempted, in fact, if we are breathing healthy human beings, we should expect it. How we respond to temptation is what’s important here.

I think a better question is, “What do I do when I am married and romantically attracted to someone else?”

1.) Identify what it is you are attracted to. Often times it will help inform you of a need that isn’t being met in your marriage.

2.) Tell your spouse. Even if you think it’s “nothing.” If you want to keep your marriage and you’re willing to put in the work, tell them. Be transparent and accountable with your interactions.

3.) Do not actively pursue a relationship with this person. Don’t call or text them casually. Don’t “check up on them.” Don’t initiate an outing with them. Don’t do anything to develop the relationship further. If the person is a co-worker, keep your interactions brief and professional.

Here’s a saying from the wisest man to have lived, “When you are full, not even honey tastes good, but when you are hungry, even something bitter tastes sweet.” (Proverbs 27:7)

In other words, satisfaction within your own marriage, doesn’t leave room for an external interest to be peaked.

Vulnerabites, what is your advice for someone who is married and romantically attracted to someone else?

Yours Vulnerably,

13 Comments Add yours

  1. Kaje Marie says:

    Your advice is spot on, per usual 👌🏽 I think the “I’m married, not blind,” more so means that attractive people don’t all of a sudden stop being attractive when we get married. I don’t think just noticing that someone is a good looking person is a problem, lustfully looking at him/her and the inappropriate thoughts that might follow is, however…

    Do you believe that an attraction to someone else always indicates that something is missing in the marriage?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kelli honey! I agree —- noticing that someone is good looking isn’t a problem. At least, I don’t think so.

      “Do you believe that an attraction to someone else always indicates that something is missing in the marriage?” —-Hhmmm you ask the best questions! lol Well, ALWAYS, is a definitive word that I don’t like to use, because there will probably be an exception to the rule. I do think it can be a strong indicator. We usually go shopping for something when we realize we’ve run out of it at home, right?

      OR maybe we find something in the store that we didn’t even know we wanted? lol

      The short answer — I don’t know.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. HarleyQ2 says:

    There will always be attractive people. However, if the married person is craving something from another then it means they are missing something from the primary.
    People know what they are missing but too afraid to talk about it : attention, feeling appreciated, sex, intimacy, excitement, intellectual stimulation etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Harley! Long time! Glad to have you back 🙂

      Really? You think in marriage people are “Too Afraid to talk about it”??? Could it be they aren’t aware of what they’re missing until they find themselves drawn to it in someone else?

      Interested in your thoughts on this point.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. HarleyQ2 says:

        Communication is very important. People know what they don’t like but do not want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Many marriages are filled with the unsaid until the person is very angry or in therapy.
        There are a lot of compromises couples make in order to not be single. So they live with the ‘missing thing.’ The real issue start to become visible when the meet someone who does have what they long desired but wasn’t getting.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. “Many marriages are filled with the unsaid until the person is very angry or in therapy.” —- MMmhhhhhh, I can definitely agree with this statement…. It’s “easier” to say it in those settings.

          “There are a lot of compromises couples make in order to not be single. So they live with the ‘missing thing.’ ” — Wow. This is good too!!! Wow.

          Great great great nuggets you’ve added to the conversation here. I’m going to go chew on them! Thanks for adding to the discussion Harley!

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Beutiflee says:

    I agree with everything. Your advice is absolutely spot on. The biggest take away is transparency and honesty. Pinpoint what is giving you the attraction in the other person and discuss it in your marriage where it can be met. Marriage takes work on both ends, it shouldn’t be one sided. Romance takes work to keep the flames burning in any marriage. Time to be creative and put in that, 🎶 work, work, work. 🎵 😆
    I want to add, let’s not normalize being tempted. It will desensitize the act of being honest with your partner. And they may end up keeping the tempted/ attraction from you, if they think it’s normal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Tiff! I’m always ready to hear what you add to the conversation!

      And this statement –“I want to add, let’s not normalize being tempted.” — That’s a good point!

      Thanks for joining the conversation Tiff!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Beutiflee says:

        Aww thanks! Your discussion topics are great. Keep it coming.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks Tiff! I really did enjoy “Mondays with Mac” — I’ll definitely do this again!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Beutiflee says:

            Yes please do! Maybe we can do one together.

            Liked by 1 person

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